Nickle-shit

I had to break it to an American girl that Canada's
"great" export of Nickleback is indeed shit....I
didn't feel too bad about being the music snob guy...

I'll be back...

So, as I'm sure most of you know by now:
I'm coming back to Canada! More specifically,
Nova Scotia where I grew up.

Funny, a year ago I was pretty entrenched in
S Ontario and was sure that's where I was going
to spend the rest of my life. Most of my friends
live there after all. But a year of isolation
down here in the USA has put many things about
my life into perspective.

Nostaglia for Nova Scotia sunk in and wouldn't
let go. Everytime I go home for xmas
vacation, I always warm to it and remember
how much I love N.S. with it's rugged beauty,
the ocean, and the warmth of the people.

So, off I go! I'm looking forward to
exploring my home province, something I've
never done as an adult. Sure, the parents
dragged me hither and thither when I was a
kid, but that was always a pain hanging out
with the parents when you're 10! As a young
adult I never had enough money to explore, plus
university kept me pretty damn busy.
Now, I have the time and money: Cape Breton
Trail, the South Shore, Lunenburg, Keji park.

And Halifax! That lovely port city, the last
outpost of Canada on the edge of the Atlantic,
with it's history of privateers and ships.
It's changed a lot since I was in my 20s. It's
grown and matured. Developed more personality
and culture. Learned new things.

I'm really looking forward to this new phase in
my life. It's the right time to go back. It's
where I belong.

p.s.-come for a visit anytime!
p.s.s-before I leave the USA, I'll do a wrapup
of my thoughts about it and life here.

Cha cha changess.......

Hank Snow
"My Nova Scotian Home"

There's a place I'll always cherish, 'neath the blue Atlantic sky
Where the shores down in Cape Breton bid the golden sun to rise
And the fragrance of the apple blossoms sprays the dew-kissed lawns
Back in dear old Nova Scotia, a place where I was born

The Scotian and the Ocean Limited, and the Maritime Express
Their mighty engines throbbing, make their way towards the west
And the sturdy fishin' schooners, sways so laz'ly to and fro'
Nova Scotia is my sanctuary, and I love her so

For across the great Dominion, I have traveled far and wide
Where the shores out in Vancouver, kiss the blue Pacific tide
I have crossed the snow-capped Rockies, saw the wheat fields' golden blaze
Headed back to Nova Scotia, where contented cattle graze

Where the pretty robin red breast, seeks its' loved ones in the trees
And the French di'lect in old Quebec, keeps callin' out to me
It seems to say, be on your way, there's a welcome at the door
Where the kinfolks are a-waiting on that gay Atlantic shore

Down through beautiful New Brunswick and across the P.E.I.
To the rock-bound coasts of Newfoundland, I'll love them till I die
But if God came here on Earth with us and asked if he could rest
I'd take him to my Nova Scotia home, the place that I love best

changes

change is in the air....like the delicate
fragrance of an orchid....or something
like that....

news as it develops. some of you know
already of which i speak. nothing's
official until i announce it.

anger. bitter and boiling in the back
of my throat. seething.

this is how i now feel about this job.
i detest how it consumes my life.
turning me into little more than a slave.
they expect me to live and breath this
job, like its the only thing that should
matter. giving all until nothing remains.

is that why i've worked so hard all my
life for?

you work hard and get an
education so you're not supposed to be
somebody's slave. but not here. oh no!
not here! fuck them. f u c k t h e m.
i've worked to hard for too long
sacrificing too much....

middle-age?

Well, you've read my complaints and whining
for awhile on here.

What it comes down to is this is not what I
wanted out of life. I figured this would be
a good chance to live a little, have a bit of
an adventure, etc. Instead I'm chained to this
job. I very much feel like a prisoner and I
really don'y like feeling trapped.

I've put so much of my personal life on hold
over the past ~2 years in order to build up to
a "career". Maybe its partly that I just didn't
want to try at those personal life things, but
I don't really think that's it. I look around
and I see people living lives: relationships,
families, friends, social activities. And I can't
have ANY of that. Yes, it is jealousy, but I do
feel as if life is completely passing me by.

I spent most of my 20s in the same way: working,
ever working towards the PhD, putting stuff on
hold. Once you get a "real" job, like I
supposedly have now, you can live life. But
I can't. This job, here, now, renders that
impossible. I have been cheated, as crass as
that sounds. This job is eating my soul. And
I hate the life I'm living NOW more than I ever
have because I have NOTHING in my life anymore
except this job.

You were expected to sacrifice during the PhD
years. But not now. That's not what it was
supposed to be about.

Fuck it. Fuck em all. There are possibilities
back in Canada coming up. If they don't pan out,
well, then fuck it. I'm not spending the rest
of life not having a life. I refuse to.

No more breakdowns. No more tears. Only anger
and pure determination to get out of here by any
means necessary. They can't have what's left of
me.

life

I've been here 8 months. And it still
is shit: still haven't completely unpacked,
have made no friends, missed the film festival,
haven't been out to a blues/jazz club in ages,
no women.

This is shit. I cannot wait to get out of here.
It feels like my life has been put on hold yet
again. ALways on hold. Never moving forward.
Grad school was like that too. I'm existing for
somebody else. I feel powerless. I don't think
I've ever really lived for myself.

Things have to change. I have to change them though.
I will change them.