change is in the air....like the delicate
fragrance of an orchid....or something
like that....
news as it develops. some of you know
already of which i speak. nothing's
official until i announce it.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
anger. bitter and boiling in the back
of my throat. seething.
this is how i now feel about this job.
i detest how it consumes my life.
turning me into little more than a slave.
they expect me to live and breath this
job, like its the only thing that should
matter. giving all until nothing remains.
is that why i've worked so hard all my
life for?
you work hard and get an
education so you're not supposed to be
somebody's slave. but not here. oh no!
not here! fuck them. f u c k t h e m.
i've worked to hard for too long
sacrificing too much....
of my throat. seething.
this is how i now feel about this job.
i detest how it consumes my life.
turning me into little more than a slave.
they expect me to live and breath this
job, like its the only thing that should
matter. giving all until nothing remains.
is that why i've worked so hard all my
life for?
you work hard and get an
education so you're not supposed to be
somebody's slave. but not here. oh no!
not here! fuck them. f u c k t h e m.
i've worked to hard for too long
sacrificing too much....
middle-age?
Well, you've read my complaints and whining
for awhile on here.
What it comes down to is this is not what I
wanted out of life. I figured this would be
a good chance to live a little, have a bit of
an adventure, etc. Instead I'm chained to this
job. I very much feel like a prisoner and I
really don'y like feeling trapped.
I've put so much of my personal life on hold
over the past ~2 years in order to build up to
a "career". Maybe its partly that I just didn't
want to try at those personal life things, but
I don't really think that's it. I look around
and I see people living lives: relationships,
families, friends, social activities. And I can't
have ANY of that. Yes, it is jealousy, but I do
feel as if life is completely passing me by.
I spent most of my 20s in the same way: working,
ever working towards the PhD, putting stuff on
hold. Once you get a "real" job, like I
supposedly have now, you can live life. But
I can't. This job, here, now, renders that
impossible. I have been cheated, as crass as
that sounds. This job is eating my soul. And
I hate the life I'm living NOW more than I ever
have because I have NOTHING in my life anymore
except this job.
You were expected to sacrifice during the PhD
years. But not now. That's not what it was
supposed to be about.
Fuck it. Fuck em all. There are possibilities
back in Canada coming up. If they don't pan out,
well, then fuck it. I'm not spending the rest
of life not having a life. I refuse to.
No more breakdowns. No more tears. Only anger
and pure determination to get out of here by any
means necessary. They can't have what's left of
me.
for awhile on here.
What it comes down to is this is not what I
wanted out of life. I figured this would be
a good chance to live a little, have a bit of
an adventure, etc. Instead I'm chained to this
job. I very much feel like a prisoner and I
really don'y like feeling trapped.
I've put so much of my personal life on hold
over the past ~2 years in order to build up to
a "career". Maybe its partly that I just didn't
want to try at those personal life things, but
I don't really think that's it. I look around
and I see people living lives: relationships,
families, friends, social activities. And I can't
have ANY of that. Yes, it is jealousy, but I do
feel as if life is completely passing me by.
I spent most of my 20s in the same way: working,
ever working towards the PhD, putting stuff on
hold. Once you get a "real" job, like I
supposedly have now, you can live life. But
I can't. This job, here, now, renders that
impossible. I have been cheated, as crass as
that sounds. This job is eating my soul. And
I hate the life I'm living NOW more than I ever
have because I have NOTHING in my life anymore
except this job.
You were expected to sacrifice during the PhD
years. But not now. That's not what it was
supposed to be about.
Fuck it. Fuck em all. There are possibilities
back in Canada coming up. If they don't pan out,
well, then fuck it. I'm not spending the rest
of life not having a life. I refuse to.
No more breakdowns. No more tears. Only anger
and pure determination to get out of here by any
means necessary. They can't have what's left of
me.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
life
I've been here 8 months. And it still
is shit: still haven't completely unpacked,
have made no friends, missed the film festival,
haven't been out to a blues/jazz club in ages,
no women.
This is shit. I cannot wait to get out of here.
It feels like my life has been put on hold yet
again. ALways on hold. Never moving forward.
Grad school was like that too. I'm existing for
somebody else. I feel powerless. I don't think
I've ever really lived for myself.
Things have to change. I have to change them though.
I will change them.
is shit: still haven't completely unpacked,
have made no friends, missed the film festival,
haven't been out to a blues/jazz club in ages,
no women.
This is shit. I cannot wait to get out of here.
It feels like my life has been put on hold yet
again. ALways on hold. Never moving forward.
Grad school was like that too. I'm existing for
somebody else. I feel powerless. I don't think
I've ever really lived for myself.
Things have to change. I have to change them though.
I will change them.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
WTF?
Seriously, people....what the fuck did you just
do yesterday? You handed Harper another
fucking turn at bat. This clown, who's grinning
like Heath Ledger in Batman and is almost as
psychotic, is PM again.
The environment? Social justice issues? Rights
of workers? Phew! You just gave him a blank
cheque to piss one em!
Listen, this screwjack has been weaseling his
way along for awhile now. He's a bad fungus:
you know he's there, but he's not really doing
much harm, then one day you wake up and he's covering
your wall, and your hacking up a lung cause he's
fucked up your living enivornment. You can't
get rid of him, and you can't move,
cause who would buy some place lousy with fungus?
Your neighbours talk behind your back: "ohhh, it
used ot be such a lovely place! such a shame!"
Time to throw some vinegar on this fucker....
p.s.- that said, I still want come back ....please....
do yesterday? You handed Harper another
fucking turn at bat. This clown, who's grinning
like Heath Ledger in Batman and is almost as
psychotic, is PM again.
The environment? Social justice issues? Rights
of workers? Phew! You just gave him a blank
cheque to piss one em!
Listen, this screwjack has been weaseling his
way along for awhile now. He's a bad fungus:
you know he's there, but he's not really doing
much harm, then one day you wake up and he's covering
your wall, and your hacking up a lung cause he's
fucked up your living enivornment. You can't
get rid of him, and you can't move,
cause who would buy some place lousy with fungus?
Your neighbours talk behind your back: "ohhh, it
used ot be such a lovely place! such a shame!"
Time to throw some vinegar on this fucker....
p.s.- that said, I still want come back ....please....
Saturday, September 27, 2008
From Godard's "Breathless"
Q- "What is your greatest ambition in life?"
A- "To become immortal, and then die."
A- "To become immortal, and then die."
Friday, September 26, 2008
37
My poetry has always been amateurish at best,
but I wrote this last night on the countdown
to midnight and feel like sharing and not being.
a grabby five-year old. I was in an Irish pub,
The Galway Bay, up in Lincoln Park.
I sit here
Two-and-a-half hours to go.
Thirty-seven
In the city alone.
What have I created?
What have I done?
Maybe it's already started.
Maybe it's already begun.
I sit here
Existing.
I sit here
Drinking.
I sit here
Wondering.
I sit here
Wondering where it goes from here.
I sit here
Writing
I sit here
Watching
I sit here
Watching lives move on about me
I sit here
I sit here
I
sit
here
but I wrote this last night on the countdown
to midnight and feel like sharing and not being.
a grabby five-year old. I was in an Irish pub,
The Galway Bay, up in Lincoln Park.
I sit here
Two-and-a-half hours to go.
Thirty-seven
In the city alone.
What have I created?
What have I done?
Maybe it's already started.
Maybe it's already begun.
I sit here
Existing.
I sit here
Drinking.
I sit here
Wondering.
I sit here
Wondering where it goes from here.
I sit here
Writing
I sit here
Watching
I sit here
Watching lives move on about me
I sit here
I sit here
I
sit
here
Saturday, September 13, 2008
"Broken, Beat, & Scarred" - Metallica
Things move in strange ways. Pieces shift and
rearrange like a cosmic chessboard. And I find
myself wanting more than ever to return to Nova
Scotia, where I'm from. A call from my roots.
My cousin died this week. Judy MacAleese. She
was...unique. She worked for probably 30 years
at Mountain Lee Lodge, an old folks home in my
hometown. She was a nurse there, like her mother,
like her niece. Never married. Never a boyfriend
that I knew of. A singular individual that seemed
to exist beyond what most people would call a
normal existence. She loved cats. I painted her
house one summer when I was younger and suffered
the sever nausea of heat stroke because of it.
For a time, I mowed her lawn also. Judy was...
could be...gruff. Slightly dour, but under all
that really a beautiful person. Oddly enough,
one would say she hardly ever smiled, but looking
through all my photos of her, she was smiling in
every one. She gave her entire adult life to caring
for the elderly and dieing. Unbelievable.
Cancer. Less than a year and she's gone. She was
fine at Xmas. Around Easter is when they all found
out. And then it was all downhill. The family all
rallied around. My cousin, her brother, took a leave
of absence from work. Her other sister, who lives in
Cape Breton, was down almost every weekend.
Her mother buried her this week. I can't imagine
having to do that.
I wish I could have seen her before she died but I
chose not to make the journey. I don't face death easy.
I accept it as part of life, but I tend not to walk
up to it as someone I love or care about is going. And
maybe that makes it seem as if I don't care. But it's
not true. Maybe I just see it like anything else in
life. A toothache. A cold. A broken limb. Maybe it's
because I always feel the need to say something, do
something, but at that point words or actions can do
nothing, and so I feel why bother? My parents
never let me attend funerals when I was a kid. The first
funeral was for a schoolmate, Belle Ward, who died
in a car crash when we were 16. And I still think
of her.
And so, in this hour, as my parents age and wither and
the other members of my extended family face the
oncoming darkness also, I find myself wanting to return
to the home I grew up in. It's not the same as it was,
of course. But part of it still exists and I want to be
closer as the rest of them all go on. I ache for my
family, for the ocean, for the rolling tree-crowded
hills, for the fog, for it all. A return is in the air
and in my heart.
I think I needed the distance from everyone, including
my dear friends in Ontario, to realize this. I need to
return to Nova Scotia to live. I would never have said
that one year ago.....
So, if anyone still reads my backfiring stutterings of the
mind, please raise a toast of your favourite beverage of
choice, whether that be wine, beer, or grape soda, to one
of the most beautiful people I've ever known, even though
you didn't know her, but trust me on this one, my cousin Judy.
Cheers....
"You rise, you fall, you’re down then you rise again
What don’t kill you make you more strong"
rearrange like a cosmic chessboard. And I find
myself wanting more than ever to return to Nova
Scotia, where I'm from. A call from my roots.
My cousin died this week. Judy MacAleese. She
was...unique. She worked for probably 30 years
at Mountain Lee Lodge, an old folks home in my
hometown. She was a nurse there, like her mother,
like her niece. Never married. Never a boyfriend
that I knew of. A singular individual that seemed
to exist beyond what most people would call a
normal existence. She loved cats. I painted her
house one summer when I was younger and suffered
the sever nausea of heat stroke because of it.
For a time, I mowed her lawn also. Judy was...
could be...gruff. Slightly dour, but under all
that really a beautiful person. Oddly enough,
one would say she hardly ever smiled, but looking
through all my photos of her, she was smiling in
every one. She gave her entire adult life to caring
for the elderly and dieing. Unbelievable.
Cancer. Less than a year and she's gone. She was
fine at Xmas. Around Easter is when they all found
out. And then it was all downhill. The family all
rallied around. My cousin, her brother, took a leave
of absence from work. Her other sister, who lives in
Cape Breton, was down almost every weekend.
Her mother buried her this week. I can't imagine
having to do that.
I wish I could have seen her before she died but I
chose not to make the journey. I don't face death easy.
I accept it as part of life, but I tend not to walk
up to it as someone I love or care about is going. And
maybe that makes it seem as if I don't care. But it's
not true. Maybe I just see it like anything else in
life. A toothache. A cold. A broken limb. Maybe it's
because I always feel the need to say something, do
something, but at that point words or actions can do
nothing, and so I feel why bother? My parents
never let me attend funerals when I was a kid. The first
funeral was for a schoolmate, Belle Ward, who died
in a car crash when we were 16. And I still think
of her.
And so, in this hour, as my parents age and wither and
the other members of my extended family face the
oncoming darkness also, I find myself wanting to return
to the home I grew up in. It's not the same as it was,
of course. But part of it still exists and I want to be
closer as the rest of them all go on. I ache for my
family, for the ocean, for the rolling tree-crowded
hills, for the fog, for it all. A return is in the air
and in my heart.
I think I needed the distance from everyone, including
my dear friends in Ontario, to realize this. I need to
return to Nova Scotia to live. I would never have said
that one year ago.....
So, if anyone still reads my backfiring stutterings of the
mind, please raise a toast of your favourite beverage of
choice, whether that be wine, beer, or grape soda, to one
of the most beautiful people I've ever known, even though
you didn't know her, but trust me on this one, my cousin Judy.
Cheers....
"You rise, you fall, you’re down then you rise again
What don’t kill you make you more strong"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
tired
just got back from visiting friends in T.O.
for the most part a good time. my anxiety and
panic hung around most of the time making it
so i was unable to completely relax. ok, i did:
sitting on the dock, looking at the sky while
camping. 20 billion years of the history of
the universe unfolded above me. humbling.
first day back at work and i can feel the
anxiety creeping stronger. i can't do that
again. like al said, i need to start
loving myself and taking care of myself.
i was a mess when i came to canada and i don't
want to return to that. i have to do something
to make myself better or risk losing friends and
myself. i've been so destructive to everyone
around me for so long. that destruction is
killing me. i can't let it.
for the most part a good time. my anxiety and
panic hung around most of the time making it
so i was unable to completely relax. ok, i did:
sitting on the dock, looking at the sky while
camping. 20 billion years of the history of
the universe unfolded above me. humbling.
first day back at work and i can feel the
anxiety creeping stronger. i can't do that
again. like al said, i need to start
loving myself and taking care of myself.
i was a mess when i came to canada and i don't
want to return to that. i have to do something
to make myself better or risk losing friends and
myself. i've been so destructive to everyone
around me for so long. that destruction is
killing me. i can't let it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What it does to people....
When I was a kid, still living back in Bridgetown,
that's in Nova Scotia by the way, the train still
came through town. Sometime in my early teens
they yanked it out and the old railroad ties sat
around in rotting piles for years. My father salvaged
some of the spikes and painted them for me. I still
have them in the bottom of a box somewhere.
Anyway, the train would come through twice a day.
We used to live six houses up the street from the
tracks so you could hear it no problem. I used to
go down and watch occasionally as kids tended to do.
Trains always fascinate boys for some reason.
There was a guy there almost all the time. I thought
he was old, but in retrospect he was probably just in
his 40s. But he looked old in the eyes of a ten year
old. He also had the far-away stare that people get
when they got something wrong with them in the head.
Vacant. And he had a grey-peppered beard, not bushy
but medium length. I can still hear this gentle quiet
voice of his. He would ramble on about trains and how
he liked them. He would just talk and talk, not really
caring if you listened, but the way he looked at you
and talked to you, you felt as if you had to pay
attention to him because nobody else would. In the
city, there's one on almost every street corner.
He seemed to always be there. Until he wasn't. I don't
remember if he disappeared first or the trains. It made
sense that he disappeared after the trains as it seemed
to be the only important thing in his life. The only
thing that kept him going.
I was later told that he had been a mathematics professor.
I don't know where he had been though. People in small
towns, like my hometown, don't really know those kind of
things. All universities are about equal. They're all
"away". Apparently, he had been brilliant. And then
he cracked up. Cracked up and moved back to his parents,
although I don't know who they were either. He had been
one of those "smart" people that had made good, got out,
and then just lost it. Went "simple" as would have
been said in a small town. I may have been told that he
overdid it on acid, but I might be misremembering that.
Being the "smart" kid growing, that's always haunted me.
To this day, especially more so since I've started
this job, everytime work or school stresses me, pushes me
further and further, to the edge of what my mind can take,
I think about that guy. That guy watching the trains come
in, all by himself on the train platform.
And, now more than ever, I'm frightened to become that guy.
And I'm closer to it now than I have ever been. The "smart"
guy that made good, got out, and then just lost it.
Watching trains roll in, day after day, until there are no
more trains.
that's in Nova Scotia by the way, the train still
came through town. Sometime in my early teens
they yanked it out and the old railroad ties sat
around in rotting piles for years. My father salvaged
some of the spikes and painted them for me. I still
have them in the bottom of a box somewhere.
Anyway, the train would come through twice a day.
We used to live six houses up the street from the
tracks so you could hear it no problem. I used to
go down and watch occasionally as kids tended to do.
Trains always fascinate boys for some reason.
There was a guy there almost all the time. I thought
he was old, but in retrospect he was probably just in
his 40s. But he looked old in the eyes of a ten year
old. He also had the far-away stare that people get
when they got something wrong with them in the head.
Vacant. And he had a grey-peppered beard, not bushy
but medium length. I can still hear this gentle quiet
voice of his. He would ramble on about trains and how
he liked them. He would just talk and talk, not really
caring if you listened, but the way he looked at you
and talked to you, you felt as if you had to pay
attention to him because nobody else would. In the
city, there's one on almost every street corner.
He seemed to always be there. Until he wasn't. I don't
remember if he disappeared first or the trains. It made
sense that he disappeared after the trains as it seemed
to be the only important thing in his life. The only
thing that kept him going.
I was later told that he had been a mathematics professor.
I don't know where he had been though. People in small
towns, like my hometown, don't really know those kind of
things. All universities are about equal. They're all
"away". Apparently, he had been brilliant. And then
he cracked up. Cracked up and moved back to his parents,
although I don't know who they were either. He had been
one of those "smart" people that had made good, got out,
and then just lost it. Went "simple" as would have
been said in a small town. I may have been told that he
overdid it on acid, but I might be misremembering that.
Being the "smart" kid growing, that's always haunted me.
To this day, especially more so since I've started
this job, everytime work or school stresses me, pushes me
further and further, to the edge of what my mind can take,
I think about that guy. That guy watching the trains come
in, all by himself on the train platform.
And, now more than ever, I'm frightened to become that guy.
And I'm closer to it now than I have ever been. The "smart"
guy that made good, got out, and then just lost it.
Watching trains roll in, day after day, until there are no
more trains.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
FINAL POST?
i had said a bunch of stuff here a few
minutes ago. forget it, i deleted it.
i'm tired of complaining all the time
so i won't post here anymore.
i don't know what will happen next.
the options are: to struggle on until i find
a better job back home, or struggle on until
i have a psychotic break, or just quit and
move back to bridgetown. i'm not sure
yet waht i'm going to do. but either
choices scare me to death.
i'm close to something big though....
minutes ago. forget it, i deleted it.
i'm tired of complaining all the time
so i won't post here anymore.
i don't know what will happen next.
the options are: to struggle on until i find
a better job back home, or struggle on until
i have a psychotic break, or just quit and
move back to bridgetown. i'm not sure
yet waht i'm going to do. but either
choices scare me to death.
i'm close to something big though....
Sunday, July 27, 2008
"I can feel it coming in the air tonight...hold on, hold on...."
change is in the air...
i'm not a superstious person. i don't believe
in miracles. but i believe in signs.
here are 3 today:
- at a social function with work
colleagues, one mentioned "when i leave..."
- later, at the regular Irish music night i attend,
the band has all changed. the regular band
members are gone.
- a woman i've met there before assumed i was
a writer, based on what i don't know, but that's
what she thought i was.
take from it aht you will, but whenever i'm
restless and need something i look to the
universe, or whatever, for signs on a decision.
most times, it's complete bollocks. but when
it's someting big, the pieces align, things move
into place. and i start to believe that maybe
there is something more out there...or at least
a hint of something telling me that there is
something in the air.....
i'm not a superstious person. i don't believe
in miracles. but i believe in signs.
here are 3 today:
- at a social function with work
colleagues, one mentioned "when i leave..."
- later, at the regular Irish music night i attend,
the band has all changed. the regular band
members are gone.
- a woman i've met there before assumed i was
a writer, based on what i don't know, but that's
what she thought i was.
take from it aht you will, but whenever i'm
restless and need something i look to the
universe, or whatever, for signs on a decision.
most times, it's complete bollocks. but when
it's someting big, the pieces align, things move
into place. and i start to believe that maybe
there is something more out there...or at least
a hint of something telling me that there is
something in the air.....
changes
My social anxiety has increased over the past
few weeks. I get twitching and tentative in
public. I can't make eye contact anymore.
Being around other people makes me nervous.
I'm forgetting how to socialize with people.
I went to the pub last night for food and
couldn't wait to finish my food and get out
of there. I just didn't want to be around
people anymore.
I really don't want to be here anymore. If I
can't find a job back home soon, I think I'll
quit. Get rid of almost everything and move
back to Bridgetown. This science thing has
taken too big a toll on me. I'm burning out
and can't deal with it anymore.
I need friends and family in my life. I need
peace and quiet in my life. I need to do things.
I have NONE of that here in Chicago. Absolutely
none. I'm existing here and that's all. And
existing isn't enough.
I need to live. I need to have a life. I need
to laugh with friends and hug them. I need to
not wake up to honking horns and scrambling people.
I need to get out of here and get back home. Back
to civilization. Fuck this.
Nothing of what I wished for in moving here has
happened. I rarely go and check out live music
anymore. Being in bars is starting to annoy me,
plus I'm simply too worn out to go out. I haven't
been to any festivas, cause I'm too worn out from
work. Same with a dozen things I wanted to do and
experience.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on...
I really don't ....
few weeks. I get twitching and tentative in
public. I can't make eye contact anymore.
Being around other people makes me nervous.
I'm forgetting how to socialize with people.
I went to the pub last night for food and
couldn't wait to finish my food and get out
of there. I just didn't want to be around
people anymore.
I really don't want to be here anymore. If I
can't find a job back home soon, I think I'll
quit. Get rid of almost everything and move
back to Bridgetown. This science thing has
taken too big a toll on me. I'm burning out
and can't deal with it anymore.
I need friends and family in my life. I need
peace and quiet in my life. I need to do things.
I have NONE of that here in Chicago. Absolutely
none. I'm existing here and that's all. And
existing isn't enough.
I need to live. I need to have a life. I need
to laugh with friends and hug them. I need to
not wake up to honking horns and scrambling people.
I need to get out of here and get back home. Back
to civilization. Fuck this.
Nothing of what I wished for in moving here has
happened. I rarely go and check out live music
anymore. Being in bars is starting to annoy me,
plus I'm simply too worn out to go out. I haven't
been to any festivas, cause I'm too worn out from
work. Same with a dozen things I wanted to do and
experience.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on...
I really don't ....
Monday, July 14, 2008
i'm defintielyt losing my mind.
this work is killing me. i hoenstly
dont know how much more of this i can
take.
really, in all hoensty, without a shade
fo bullshit, i am very close to cashing in
any stocks i have, selling everythig ic an,
quiting this motherfuckin damn piece of shit
way fo life and moving back to bridgetwon.
i can't fuckin go on like this anymore. i
have no life anymore at all. i can't deal
with this anymore. i'm not making any progress
at work even though i try harder than i ever
have before. the only rational explanation is
that i'm just not smart enoght to do this job.
therefopre the only logical rational endpoitn
is to quit.
i've had it. i don;'t want ot live like this.
i really don't.....
and fuck you if you thinkgi'm just whiniung!
juyst fuck you! fuck you fuck you!
i'm tired of wsting my fuckin life killing
mysleg at a fuckin job! fuck you! fuycjkk you!
fuck you fuck you fuck you cufkc you fuck you fuck
you fuck you!
fuck me.,
this work is killing me. i hoenstly
dont know how much more of this i can
take.
really, in all hoensty, without a shade
fo bullshit, i am very close to cashing in
any stocks i have, selling everythig ic an,
quiting this motherfuckin damn piece of shit
way fo life and moving back to bridgetwon.
i can't fuckin go on like this anymore. i
have no life anymore at all. i can't deal
with this anymore. i'm not making any progress
at work even though i try harder than i ever
have before. the only rational explanation is
that i'm just not smart enoght to do this job.
therefopre the only logical rational endpoitn
is to quit.
i've had it. i don;'t want ot live like this.
i really don't.....
and fuck you if you thinkgi'm just whiniung!
juyst fuck you! fuck you fuck you!
i'm tired of wsting my fuckin life killing
mysleg at a fuckin job! fuck you! fuycjkk you!
fuck you fuck you fuck you cufkc you fuck you fuck
you fuck you!
fuck me.,
un-determination
not feeling very confidant about being
able to do the job today....and its only
monday.
had a bag of chips and some crackers&sheese
and grapes for lunch. that's all i've eaten
today. i'll be here for a few more hours at
least. not time to go to the cafetaria. have
to get this treatment plan done tonight.
who am i fooling? i can't do this fuckin job.
i wasted saturday cause i came in today and it
wasn't good enough so now i've spent the entire
day on it to no avail.
death is too good for me and my foolishness....
able to do the job today....and its only
monday.
had a bag of chips and some crackers&sheese
and grapes for lunch. that's all i've eaten
today. i'll be here for a few more hours at
least. not time to go to the cafetaria. have
to get this treatment plan done tonight.
who am i fooling? i can't do this fuckin job.
i wasted saturday cause i came in today and it
wasn't good enough so now i've spent the entire
day on it to no avail.
death is too good for me and my foolishness....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
determination
ok ok ok, i have to saty determined and
confidant that i can find something back
home.
i'm starting to get tired of living in
the big cities. as i get older, i like
the laid-backness of the smaller cities
more. oshawa or wahtver would be just
fine for now.
i have to remain confidant that i can do
this job and then find something back home.
i will do this. it's all i have anymre.
confidant that i can find something back
home.
i'm starting to get tired of living in
the big cities. as i get older, i like
the laid-backness of the smaller cities
more. oshawa or wahtver would be just
fine for now.
i have to remain confidant that i can do
this job and then find something back home.
i will do this. it's all i have anymre.
ergh
i know all that gets written here anymore is
my complaints and whining. wel, there's
absolutely nothing else going on in my life
to talk about. like i said: no friends,
no concerts, no books, etc. i've been to a
couple movies, i've bought some movies. i've
hung out with the occasional person. but nothing
interesting to speak of. and really, with no
support structure of any kind in this city,
this is my only outlet for my frustration
and depressions.
i've spent a long time trying to create some
sort of a normal life. in science, it's almost
expected that you will never have one. almost
a pre-requisite. i've spent a long time trying
to conquer my depression, build self-confidence,
and establish an identity that doesn't revolve
around what i do for a living. and i had the
beginnings of that in toronto. for once in my
life, i started to feel normal, like an actual
human being whose thoughts and feelings were
acknowledged and respected. i've spent my
entire life trying to get to that point.
never in grade school, high school, or
university or any point in between have i ever
had that. never.
in the 4 mths here, all of that hard work is
crumbling around me. the job is sucking any
soul i have and leaving a worthless shell of a
man behind. my self-confidence and self-esteem
have been tattered and torn into scraps of
their formal selves. i have zero life outside
of work. zero. nothing. nada. nil. i've
gotten to the point where i'm forgetting how to
interact and be social with people. i'm
starting to avoid people and social situations
again. i'm turning into the chris of old.
and i don't like that chris. i want that chris
to be dead and never to be dug up.
as my 30s are starting to recede behind me, i
know this is most definitely not how i want my
40s to be. but i feel trapped, unable to wrestle
any sort of life out of my time here. the
pressure at work, although not spoken in so
many words, is overhwhelming, so i work
harder and longer and seemingly never get any
further ahead. jobs in canada? maybe, but not
anytime soon, plus there are tons of people more
qualified than myself. i don't think i'll ever
be qualified enough.
if this is how it plays out for the rest of my
life, then i choose not to play. better to check
out sooner rather than later.....
my complaints and whining. wel, there's
absolutely nothing else going on in my life
to talk about. like i said: no friends,
no concerts, no books, etc. i've been to a
couple movies, i've bought some movies. i've
hung out with the occasional person. but nothing
interesting to speak of. and really, with no
support structure of any kind in this city,
this is my only outlet for my frustration
and depressions.
i've spent a long time trying to create some
sort of a normal life. in science, it's almost
expected that you will never have one. almost
a pre-requisite. i've spent a long time trying
to conquer my depression, build self-confidence,
and establish an identity that doesn't revolve
around what i do for a living. and i had the
beginnings of that in toronto. for once in my
life, i started to feel normal, like an actual
human being whose thoughts and feelings were
acknowledged and respected. i've spent my
entire life trying to get to that point.
never in grade school, high school, or
university or any point in between have i ever
had that. never.
in the 4 mths here, all of that hard work is
crumbling around me. the job is sucking any
soul i have and leaving a worthless shell of a
man behind. my self-confidence and self-esteem
have been tattered and torn into scraps of
their formal selves. i have zero life outside
of work. zero. nothing. nada. nil. i've
gotten to the point where i'm forgetting how to
interact and be social with people. i'm
starting to avoid people and social situations
again. i'm turning into the chris of old.
and i don't like that chris. i want that chris
to be dead and never to be dug up.
as my 30s are starting to recede behind me, i
know this is most definitely not how i want my
40s to be. but i feel trapped, unable to wrestle
any sort of life out of my time here. the
pressure at work, although not spoken in so
many words, is overhwhelming, so i work
harder and longer and seemingly never get any
further ahead. jobs in canada? maybe, but not
anytime soon, plus there are tons of people more
qualified than myself. i don't think i'll ever
be qualified enough.
if this is how it plays out for the rest of my
life, then i choose not to play. better to check
out sooner rather than later.....
Saturday, July 12, 2008
today
it's saturday. i'm at work because i can't
get waht i needed to get done done. stuff
is due monday so i have no choice. it's not
like i haven't been working 10 to 11 hrs/day
as it is, but now i'm at work on saturdays too.
i fuckin hate my life so fuckin much i can't
describe it...
i have nothing in my life anymore except work.
no books, no concerts, no music, no cooking,
no hanging out, no dating. nothing.
is this really how things are going to be from
now on? if so, i don't want any part of it.
better to jump in front of a bus than waste my
life like this.
looking back, i never should have left nova
scotia or bridgetown.
what a fuckin waste....
get waht i needed to get done done. stuff
is due monday so i have no choice. it's not
like i haven't been working 10 to 11 hrs/day
as it is, but now i'm at work on saturdays too.
i fuckin hate my life so fuckin much i can't
describe it...
i have nothing in my life anymore except work.
no books, no concerts, no music, no cooking,
no hanging out, no dating. nothing.
is this really how things are going to be from
now on? if so, i don't want any part of it.
better to jump in front of a bus than waste my
life like this.
looking back, i never should have left nova
scotia or bridgetown.
what a fuckin waste....
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
sigh....
please ignore my bitterness....
i'm tired of complaining to everyone.
and my apologies for doing so. i just
need to vent sometimes and be heard.
again, sorry....
i'm tired of complaining to everyone.
and my apologies for doing so. i just
need to vent sometimes and be heard.
again, sorry....
BIG FUCKIN' DEAL
nothing new has happened besides
work, alcohol consumption, and sleep.
i do not do anything anymore except
those 3 things. on the weekend, i'm
too confused and tired to try to find
anything interesting to do.
i am quickly approaching
my late 30s and all i have to show for
my life are my university degrees.
whoop-dee-fuckin-do.
note: high blood pressure, clinical
depression, no house, no car, plenty
of debt, no wife, no kids, no pets.
pathetic, isn't it? well, that's all
i have....time to just accept it, bury my
head and wait for the heart attack to
get it all over with.
the thing is, i'm not really depressed
like i would have been 5 yrs ago. now
i'm just angry and upset that i've wasted
so much time on such meaningless crap
like this so-called "education" and
"work". big fucking deal it all is.
listen, trust me on this, don't go to
grad school. learn a trade of some sort.
learn something that will give you the
free time to live your life and do things
besides work. don't rot your life away
from people and experiences and life. i
feel i have and i regret it so damn much.
live a life. don't work a life....
signed
Chris
(waiting for the heart attack)
work, alcohol consumption, and sleep.
i do not do anything anymore except
those 3 things. on the weekend, i'm
too confused and tired to try to find
anything interesting to do.
i am quickly approaching
my late 30s and all i have to show for
my life are my university degrees.
whoop-dee-fuckin-do.
note: high blood pressure, clinical
depression, no house, no car, plenty
of debt, no wife, no kids, no pets.
pathetic, isn't it? well, that's all
i have....time to just accept it, bury my
head and wait for the heart attack to
get it all over with.
the thing is, i'm not really depressed
like i would have been 5 yrs ago. now
i'm just angry and upset that i've wasted
so much time on such meaningless crap
like this so-called "education" and
"work". big fucking deal it all is.
listen, trust me on this, don't go to
grad school. learn a trade of some sort.
learn something that will give you the
free time to live your life and do things
besides work. don't rot your life away
from people and experiences and life. i
feel i have and i regret it so damn much.
live a life. don't work a life....
signed
Chris
(waiting for the heart attack)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
mantra
if i survive my time here ...
i will walk through fire,
i will swallow glass,
i will follow hell....
i will walk through fire,
i will swallow glass,
i will follow hell....
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Rusty
Listening to Neil on the stereo,
Sounds of the Great White North
Filtered through the USA.
I think my roots are showing.....
Sounds of the Great White North
Filtered through the USA.
I think my roots are showing.....
Juvenile Capitalism
I went for a walk today and a little kid was selling
lemonade out in front of his house so I bought a
glass for 50 cents.
Ah, capitalism, they start em young down here....
p.s.-Camille's Mom's lemonade is better.
lemonade out in front of his house so I bought a
glass for 50 cents.
Ah, capitalism, they start em young down here....
p.s.-Camille's Mom's lemonade is better.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Flash Moments From Within the Haunted Empire (part I)
These are fingersnap moments as I saw them
and took them down.
***
Reading Jack in the park
Back against the cool bark
Bugs on my arms are eternity.
***
Ducks lined up on a log in the pond. Litle
feathery soldiers fuffing and ferluffeling.
***
The lake glows turqouise, the colour of God's
eyes, silently rollng in quiet chaos. White
boats dot and dart, pulling white crumbles
behind them. The noise of the city grinds
on at my back. My ears fill with the babel
of the internal combustion engine.
***
The vast sandy sea speckled with sweating,
tanning humanity, living like Romans. Is this
your entitlement while the rest rot and die
in slums?
***
All desire has left my bones. All that remains
is a whisper of a man. I'm made of other stuff
than you.
and took them down.
***
Reading Jack in the park
Back against the cool bark
Bugs on my arms are eternity.
***
Ducks lined up on a log in the pond. Litle
feathery soldiers fuffing and ferluffeling.
***
The lake glows turqouise, the colour of God's
eyes, silently rollng in quiet chaos. White
boats dot and dart, pulling white crumbles
behind them. The noise of the city grinds
on at my back. My ears fill with the babel
of the internal combustion engine.
***
The vast sandy sea speckled with sweating,
tanning humanity, living like Romans. Is this
your entitlement while the rest rot and die
in slums?
***
All desire has left my bones. All that remains
is a whisper of a man. I'm made of other stuff
than you.
Friday, June 6, 2008
dumped....
Dumped. Yet again. Again, the gears of life grind
inexhaustibly against my heart. Such is my fate I
suppose.
I'm so so very tired of thinking that this one will
be different and then have to face the unwavering
heartache yet again. But she did feel different.
We have so much in common. We can be vulnerabale
around each other. We can talk to each other with
open hearts.
I suppose this is for the best. The religion thing
would have inevitably gotten in the way in the
end. My world shrank just a little bit last
night and it hurts so much.
Now, I have no emotional connection to this
city either. I have nothing to look forward to on
the weekend or the evenings. I'm back to being
alone. It also makes it feel like my life here is
only temporary.
Back to working on weekends again....
inexhaustibly against my heart. Such is my fate I
suppose.
I'm so so very tired of thinking that this one will
be different and then have to face the unwavering
heartache yet again. But she did feel different.
We have so much in common. We can be vulnerabale
around each other. We can talk to each other with
open hearts.
I suppose this is for the best. The religion thing
would have inevitably gotten in the way in the
end. My world shrank just a little bit last
night and it hurts so much.
Now, I have no emotional connection to this
city either. I have nothing to look forward to on
the weekend or the evenings. I'm back to being
alone. It also makes it feel like my life here is
only temporary.
Back to working on weekends again....
Thursday, May 29, 2008
fuck the American Dream....
This is the 1st post under the topic "USA vs Canada". What
that will entail will be observations on our differences.
The biggest and most annoying so far is that they say "zee" while
we say "zed". I defer to the Queen's English in this case.
Ok, so Americans work a fucking lot! Every person I've met, in
and outside of the hospital, work like mad dogs. Their work ethic
is mindboggling. I suppose this is why the 20th century was the
American Century. THis is why we have cars, personal
computers, and the atomic bomb. They work and work in
pursuit of that American Dream. My work week is theoretically
40 hrs, of course I end up working more. In Canada, the same job
would be 37.5 hrs. Not a big difference, but really it is the little
things at the end of the day.
Canadians...we are so laid back in comparison. We're the old
hippies of North America. Hawaiians of the North. Really.
I notice it all the time. You think people are in a hurry and work
hard in Toronto? Phew! You ain't seen nothing, baby. It's
almost pathological down here. No wonder Americans are
high-strung, on anti-depressants, and end up shooting each
other. They've pushed themselves to the edge. Their minds
are on fire with fear, work, and ego. Working here
you begin to fall into the same patterns as them. Everyone
else is working hard, so I must too.
If not for a thousand other reasons, then this alone makes
me want to come home. I don't want to work THAT hard.
I'm not THAT ambitous. I want my little corner where I
can work and be done. I don't need the fancy house, car, or
entertainment center....ok, maybe the enterainment center.
Fuck the American Dream and hand me a bowl ....
that will entail will be observations on our differences.
The biggest and most annoying so far is that they say "zee" while
we say "zed". I defer to the Queen's English in this case.
Ok, so Americans work a fucking lot! Every person I've met, in
and outside of the hospital, work like mad dogs. Their work ethic
is mindboggling. I suppose this is why the 20th century was the
American Century. THis is why we have cars, personal
computers, and the atomic bomb. They work and work in
pursuit of that American Dream. My work week is theoretically
40 hrs, of course I end up working more. In Canada, the same job
would be 37.5 hrs. Not a big difference, but really it is the little
things at the end of the day.
Canadians...we are so laid back in comparison. We're the old
hippies of North America. Hawaiians of the North. Really.
I notice it all the time. You think people are in a hurry and work
hard in Toronto? Phew! You ain't seen nothing, baby. It's
almost pathological down here. No wonder Americans are
high-strung, on anti-depressants, and end up shooting each
other. They've pushed themselves to the edge. Their minds
are on fire with fear, work, and ego. Working here
you begin to fall into the same patterns as them. Everyone
else is working hard, so I must too.
If not for a thousand other reasons, then this alone makes
me want to come home. I don't want to work THAT hard.
I'm not THAT ambitous. I want my little corner where I
can work and be done. I don't need the fancy house, car, or
entertainment center....ok, maybe the enterainment center.
Fuck the American Dream and hand me a bowl ....
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
appendium to 'my life?'
You want to how bad it is?
I'm turning down 1st dates with women because
I have to work.
I'm turning down 1st dates with women because
I have to work.
my life?
I know it seems like all I do is complain on this blog,
but this is an outlet. I have nobody here to talk to,
nor time to call friends or family. My father is very
ill and I can only call my parents once a week
because of how late I work, which tears at me. I do
have plenty to write about here. I want to update
with an account of my friend Melissa's trip to
Chicago, but I haven't had the time to compose
my thoughts. I have movie reviews, but again
time is is the problem. And I will write about
my recent trip to T.O. once I process it more.
But now I complain, so deal with it.
I spent most of my 20s buried in study with the
shadow of a social life poking up on occasion.
After grad school, I started to come out of my shell
and started to become a normal functioning adult.
The past 3 yrs in Toronto, I actually lived for once
in my life and felt like I actually belonged somewhere.
Now, here in Chicago, it's all gone. I'm working
longer hours than I ever have in my life. Grad
school pales. I have no social life with little
chance of respite. I feel myself regressing.
I have no idea how long I can keep this pace up.
I dread waking each day. This is no way for a
person to live. I feel like my life is wasting
away and I'm helpless, completely helpless,
to stop it. I envisoned more to my life than
this. Now all I have is work with no change
from that in the immediate future. Not very
hopefull, heh? Such is my life....
but this is an outlet. I have nobody here to talk to,
nor time to call friends or family. My father is very
ill and I can only call my parents once a week
because of how late I work, which tears at me. I do
have plenty to write about here. I want to update
with an account of my friend Melissa's trip to
Chicago, but I haven't had the time to compose
my thoughts. I have movie reviews, but again
time is is the problem. And I will write about
my recent trip to T.O. once I process it more.
But now I complain, so deal with it.
I spent most of my 20s buried in study with the
shadow of a social life poking up on occasion.
After grad school, I started to come out of my shell
and started to become a normal functioning adult.
The past 3 yrs in Toronto, I actually lived for once
in my life and felt like I actually belonged somewhere.
Now, here in Chicago, it's all gone. I'm working
longer hours than I ever have in my life. Grad
school pales. I have no social life with little
chance of respite. I feel myself regressing.
I have no idea how long I can keep this pace up.
I dread waking each day. This is no way for a
person to live. I feel like my life is wasting
away and I'm helpless, completely helpless,
to stop it. I envisoned more to my life than
this. Now all I have is work with no change
from that in the immediate future. Not very
hopefull, heh? Such is my life....
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday night
Saturday night in Chicago and its another lonely one in this beast
of a city.
I walked through the side streets of Lincoln Park. The leaves are out
and the tree-lined streets feel more closed in, yet warmer even if the
temperature isn't. The cold, leafless nights of February are gone.
The buildings in the neighbourhood are an assortment of styles.
Most are brick and stone with big blocks, warrened entrance ways,
and high staircases leading to large front doors. Clean brick lined
alleyways snake between the crowded buildings. It feels European,
but still distinctly American. Solid feeling and looking. The influence
of the waves of immigrants that settled this city.
I emerge back on to one of the main streets, Lincoln Avenue. The
quiet of the back streets gives way to buzz and hustle of Saturday
night in a big American city. People walk purposefully as they tend
to do down here.
I walk under the trestles of the El as it slashes diagonally across
Lincoln. Everywhere you walk has the feeling of a movie set. You
hear the tracks begin to rumble, then roar as the train thunders
overhead, like the sky is about to fall on you. Blue light from the
train flickers on the grey wall of a building for an instant, like
lightening. Then all you're left with is the rumble of the tracks
again.
My night so far is at a bar called Lilly's, listening to mediocre
live music. The walls are painted a deadly forest green, obviously
meant to spark depression and encourage drinking. They advertise
all-you-can drink PBR for $35. Classy.
The bar's been carved out of an old house. It's layout is schizoprenic.
There are almost no good sightlines for the stage where the band
plays. The best place, where I'm at, is the bar itself, with it's faux
gargoyles and christmas lights in the shape of reindeer. It's a lousy
spot for a live band, but then again most people think the band is
simply additional decor for the bar. Arched doorways divide the
bar up into bite-size pieces. You can catch glimpses of faces and
other parts of the bar. It's the drunkard's equivalent to Eco's
library from "Name of the Rose." The balcony is simply a hole in
the ceiling to what was the second floor. A radiator sits on a ledge
out of reach to anyone.
The crowd here are that college-age crew the occupy so much space
in university neighbourhoods. Neither jock nor artsy, they occupy a
neutral space of non-identity, a space of safety. I'm the most
audacius person there with my leather jacket, kangol hat, and
skull ring.
I'm in Chicago. I can do better than this. So I head to B.L.U.E.S.,
one of the best Blues bars in the city, not far from Lilly's and on my
way home. It's a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, where you would've
expected to hear some of the greats decades a go when the scene
was in it's heyday. But its always packed and its aways jumping. The
band is tearing it up and I'm wedged between tourists and locals.
People of all kinds. All that matters is the music.
of a city.
I walked through the side streets of Lincoln Park. The leaves are out
and the tree-lined streets feel more closed in, yet warmer even if the
temperature isn't. The cold, leafless nights of February are gone.
The buildings in the neighbourhood are an assortment of styles.
Most are brick and stone with big blocks, warrened entrance ways,
and high staircases leading to large front doors. Clean brick lined
alleyways snake between the crowded buildings. It feels European,
but still distinctly American. Solid feeling and looking. The influence
of the waves of immigrants that settled this city.
I emerge back on to one of the main streets, Lincoln Avenue. The
quiet of the back streets gives way to buzz and hustle of Saturday
night in a big American city. People walk purposefully as they tend
to do down here.
I walk under the trestles of the El as it slashes diagonally across
Lincoln. Everywhere you walk has the feeling of a movie set. You
hear the tracks begin to rumble, then roar as the train thunders
overhead, like the sky is about to fall on you. Blue light from the
train flickers on the grey wall of a building for an instant, like
lightening. Then all you're left with is the rumble of the tracks
again.
My night so far is at a bar called Lilly's, listening to mediocre
live music. The walls are painted a deadly forest green, obviously
meant to spark depression and encourage drinking. They advertise
all-you-can drink PBR for $35. Classy.
The bar's been carved out of an old house. It's layout is schizoprenic.
There are almost no good sightlines for the stage where the band
plays. The best place, where I'm at, is the bar itself, with it's faux
gargoyles and christmas lights in the shape of reindeer. It's a lousy
spot for a live band, but then again most people think the band is
simply additional decor for the bar. Arched doorways divide the
bar up into bite-size pieces. You can catch glimpses of faces and
other parts of the bar. It's the drunkard's equivalent to Eco's
library from "Name of the Rose." The balcony is simply a hole in
the ceiling to what was the second floor. A radiator sits on a ledge
out of reach to anyone.
The crowd here are that college-age crew the occupy so much space
in university neighbourhoods. Neither jock nor artsy, they occupy a
neutral space of non-identity, a space of safety. I'm the most
audacius person there with my leather jacket, kangol hat, and
skull ring.
I'm in Chicago. I can do better than this. So I head to B.L.U.E.S.,
one of the best Blues bars in the city, not far from Lilly's and on my
way home. It's a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, where you would've
expected to hear some of the greats decades a go when the scene
was in it's heyday. But its always packed and its aways jumping. The
band is tearing it up and I'm wedged between tourists and locals.
People of all kinds. All that matters is the music.
Monday, May 5, 2008
ANGER, HATE
i am beginning to HATE this job and life.
i took this past weekedn off because melissa visited (yeah!).
but now i'm back here and it's the same as last week and the
week before and the week before. i'm left on my own to get
work done, but in many cases i'm not sure how to proceed
and i need help, but help isn't around. then i'm asked to do
more and i can't let anybody down cause i'm the new guy
and i can't slack off. i'm beginning to feel really really
stupid. i know i'm not, but that doesn't change the fact that
i KNOW i'm not getting enough done and i have no idea of
how to change that.
i'm 36 fuckin' yrs old. i've done 3 university degrees and
have worked and stressed my ass off resulting high blood
pressure and clinical depression and anger management
problems to show for it. i do not have time to socialize
which means i can't meet anybody or get involved in a
relationship.
am i whining? yeh, maybe. so fuckin what. if you felt as
shitty as i feel all the fuckin time, you'd want to complain
too. so piss off.
this is complete utter unmitigated bullshit. i fucking hate
this to the core of my rotting soul.....
p.s.-and before anybody says it: NO, it will not get better.
this is the way the job and life here is. it has not got better
in 2 months. it has not changed in 2 months.
p.s.s.-i do not socialize anymore. i have nobody to socialize
with. i have no time to do so. i am destined to be a bitter
old anti-social science guy. the fun loving socializing part
of my life has now passed.
i took this past weekedn off because melissa visited (yeah!).
but now i'm back here and it's the same as last week and the
week before and the week before. i'm left on my own to get
work done, but in many cases i'm not sure how to proceed
and i need help, but help isn't around. then i'm asked to do
more and i can't let anybody down cause i'm the new guy
and i can't slack off. i'm beginning to feel really really
stupid. i know i'm not, but that doesn't change the fact that
i KNOW i'm not getting enough done and i have no idea of
how to change that.
i'm 36 fuckin' yrs old. i've done 3 university degrees and
have worked and stressed my ass off resulting high blood
pressure and clinical depression and anger management
problems to show for it. i do not have time to socialize
which means i can't meet anybody or get involved in a
relationship.
am i whining? yeh, maybe. so fuckin what. if you felt as
shitty as i feel all the fuckin time, you'd want to complain
too. so piss off.
this is complete utter unmitigated bullshit. i fucking hate
this to the core of my rotting soul.....
p.s.-and before anybody says it: NO, it will not get better.
this is the way the job and life here is. it has not got better
in 2 months. it has not changed in 2 months.
p.s.s.-i do not socialize anymore. i have nobody to socialize
with. i have no time to do so. i am destined to be a bitter
old anti-social science guy. the fun loving socializing part
of my life has now passed.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
sigh....
Sorry I haven't updated with anything really substantial lately. This is supposed to be about my adventures here in Chicago.
This past year has been one of the most difficult ones in my life and I feel beat up, worn down. I want some semblence of normality. Breathing space. I don't think I'll ever get it.
I felt like I belonged in T.O. and now I'm here and I wake up every morning with a profound aching in my heart for something I had and seemingly threw away for something as superficial as a "job". I need a community of friends around me, and I don't think that's possible here. I'm going to stick this out for as long as I can, but I don't think that it will be as long as I imagined it to be. Eyes open for T.O. area: Sunnybrook, PMH, Mississauga, Oshawa, Newmarket. Something HAS to come up.
I really feel like an alien here. I need Canada.
This past year has been one of the most difficult ones in my life and I feel beat up, worn down. I want some semblence of normality. Breathing space. I don't think I'll ever get it.
I felt like I belonged in T.O. and now I'm here and I wake up every morning with a profound aching in my heart for something I had and seemingly threw away for something as superficial as a "job". I need a community of friends around me, and I don't think that's possible here. I'm going to stick this out for as long as I can, but I don't think that it will be as long as I imagined it to be. Eyes open for T.O. area: Sunnybrook, PMH, Mississauga, Oshawa, Newmarket. Something HAS to come up.
I really feel like an alien here. I need Canada.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
sorry...and thanks
been feeling really down is all. it's been difficult here and i honestly need the words of encourangement from friends. also, i've been slightly delusional from lack of sleep and food the past 2 weeks.
i shall continue to write....
i shall continue to write....
Friday, April 18, 2008
update 3
this will be the last update for awhile. not that many
of you actually read this crap anyway.
i'm too busy with work and too distracted to think
about writing anything. my "writing" has always
been a delusion anyway. i've decided to completely
thrwo myself into work to avoid thinking
about my situation and my loneliness.
maybe it'll change but i don't anticipate it to .....
of you actually read this crap anyway.
i'm too busy with work and too distracted to think
about writing anything. my "writing" has always
been a delusion anyway. i've decided to completely
thrwo myself into work to avoid thinking
about my situation and my loneliness.
maybe it'll change but i don't anticipate it to .....
Thursday, April 17, 2008
update 2
chris's diet plan:
1) don't work for 6 mths and don't eat to save money.
2) get a job in a city where you don't know anybody, work
all the time because you have nobody to hang out with and
no time to meet anybody, and don't eat because you don't
have time.
i think i've dropped 25 lbs in the past 10 mths.
yeh, i guess it's a career and that's what we are supposed
to want out of life. stress, depression, high blood pressure,
rapid weight lose, hallunications. boy-o-boy! that's what
life is all about, ain't it! gosh, i'm so grateful that i'll die
young but have a rewarding career. i'll be so admired by
society. it warms the cockles of my glucose-starved heart ...
1) don't work for 6 mths and don't eat to save money.
2) get a job in a city where you don't know anybody, work
all the time because you have nobody to hang out with and
no time to meet anybody, and don't eat because you don't
have time.
i think i've dropped 25 lbs in the past 10 mths.
yeh, i guess it's a career and that's what we are supposed
to want out of life. stress, depression, high blood pressure,
rapid weight lose, hallunications. boy-o-boy! that's what
life is all about, ain't it! gosh, i'm so grateful that i'll die
young but have a rewarding career. i'll be so admired by
society. it warms the cockles of my glucose-starved heart ...
update
hey all,
work's been fuckin' me in the ass like revenue canada. busy busy busy. heopfully soon it will stabilize.
i have 2 movei reviews for you soon: "Two Lane Blacktop" (an American car movie) and " Pierrot le fou" (by Godard). hopefully soon.
take care
miss you
hugs, kisses, and beers
work's been fuckin' me in the ass like revenue canada. busy busy busy. heopfully soon it will stabilize.
i have 2 movei reviews for you soon: "Two Lane Blacktop" (an American car movie) and " Pierrot le fou" (by Godard). hopefully soon.
take care
miss you
hugs, kisses, and beers
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Athiesm
This is something that people don't like taking about, and for fear
of offending family and co-workers, I tend not to talk about it
either. But this explains why I think religion is bunk all soo soo
well (and it's funny):
http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank
Hank is such as asshole....
of offending family and co-workers, I tend not to talk about it
either. But this explains why I think religion is bunk all soo soo
well (and it's funny):
http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank
Hank is such as asshole....
last weekend.....
I've been real busy this week helping to get a PET-CT scanner (medical imaging equipment) up and running, so that's the reason for no posts lately.
That said, the weather last weekend was awesome. 15 degrees C and everyone was out and running around. I made it to the park and the beachfront for the first time. Yes, this city has beaches, although I'm not sure about swimming in Lake Michigan....
Here's some pics:
that's all for now....ttys...
That said, the weather last weekend was awesome. 15 degrees C and everyone was out and running around. I made it to the park and the beachfront for the first time. Yes, this city has beaches, although I'm not sure about swimming in Lake Michigan....
Here's some pics:
that's all for now....ttys...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Long way from home ....
I miss:
Grossman's and walking in to see Sean and Ian at the
bar.
Open mic night at Ein-Stein with Josh doing his schtick
and all the musicians who show up.
The sight of the CN Tower no matter where I am
in the city.
The streetcars and their silent travel.
Kensington Market and Pedestrian Sundays and the
honest sense of community that is embodied there and
having to go from shop to shop to get all the ingredients
for cooking a meal.
The chaos of Chinatown.
Canada.
My friends.
For the first time in my life, I had a community of friends
around me that had made me feel like I belonged. A family.
The closest thing to an honest family with all the love and
acceptance that comes with that, outside of flesh-and-blood
family. I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I
felt at home, even more so than I think I ever felt in my
hometown. And what did I do? I gave it all up for ajob.
I feel like I betrayed them and myself. Reached in and
yanked the bloody heart out of my life and stomped on it.
I haven't felt like this since I left Nova Scotia back in '95.
Actually, this may feel worse.
I miss you guys so fucking much I can't express: Camille,
Joe & Louise & Jadylene, Agne & Tokai & Monir, Melissa,
Al, Mohammed, Sean, Ian, Carl, Enzo, Jon, and everybody
else who has crossed my path and made me feel like family.
I have to keep telling myself that I will be back to T.O.
someday. I want to live in Kensington Market and wake up
each morning to that place. Strolldown to Moonbean, grab
a fair-trade, organic coffee, and go to work knowing I'll be
coming home to wonderfull neighbourhood in the evening.
THenmaybe going and having wine and talk with Al or
Camille or ATM or maybe swinging by Grossman's for a
beer or 3 with Sean and Ian.
I know wouldn't have been happy living in Oshawa, that
I would have hadto buy a car, but Iwould have been
closer to all my friends. I wake up everyday wondering
if I made theright decision. Don't get me wrong: this
is a great city and all. But at my heart, I am Canadian
and I need that sense of the land that I always got no
matter where I was in Canada, that sense of space,
which is lost in the city, but still that knowledge of that it
is out there and, as a Canadian, that I'm part of it. Also,
myself, I need family. I'm always searching for family.
Trying to build family. My own family has always seemed
ghostlike and barely there, partly, I suppose, because I'm
adopted. I suppose then, that's why I'm always searching
and trying to build family: to replace a concept of a family
I never had.
with much love to my family, you know who you are,
have a beautiful sunday ....
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The city wakes up....
The city came alive today. It was like an anthill. People scurrying everywhere as the thermometer hit 16 (celsius, of course). It was the most activity I'd seen since being here. The sidewalks in Lincoln Park crowded. The bar patios overrun. People finally started to shake off the long heavy haze of winter.
I went up to Reckless Records on Broadway to buy the new Nick Cave CD (damn, imports) and walked around. Visited a couple of used bookstores. Sipped a beer at the Galway Arms. Bought a screen/room divider and CD rack for the apartment. The leisureness of the warm spring day seemd to change everyone's moods and bring them out.
I went up to Reckless Records on Broadway to buy the new Nick Cave CD (damn, imports) and walked around. Visited a couple of used bookstores. Sipped a beer at the Galway Arms. Bought a screen/room divider and CD rack for the apartment. The leisureness of the warm spring day seemd to change everyone's moods and bring them out.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Hotel Chris is now open ...
Assembled my futon tonight. You now all have a place to sleep when any of you come to visit. Although, if you come within the next 2 weeks it might be a little wooden as I haven't purchased a mattress yet. But there will be one soon, I promise!
The apartment is now looking like a human lives here as opposed to the way it looked not long ago:
The apartment is now looking like a human lives here as opposed to the way it looked not long ago:
No Title
Naw, not worth it anymore. I've resigned myself to that. I'll end up like my cousin: in her 50s, never married, hasn't dated anybody in decades. What the hell, at least then I'm not beating myself when things don't work out the way I want them to. The anxiety and the taking things too personally is waht makes the whole dating thing too much for me.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
where is the world we live in today
Well, yes, that is an ambigous title. But I've been thinking of that sort of the thing a lot, as usual.
I think I'm kind of adjusting to life here in Chicago. I do like the city a lot, at least. But, it's the
rest of life that has me looking at the reality we live in. The disconnect between people and the
difficulty that exists in meeting and forming friendships with others. The all encompasing obsession with "work" and how, because of it we, live in such an isolated existence. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's the perception I have. I might be wrong and it might be easier for evereone else. There has to be a better way for us to live. There is. I just don't know it. My feeling is that the way we are living is killing a large part of what actually makes us human. Like I said, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just me and I'm a social mutant that has a problem forming realtionships with people. Everyone else seems to have great social relationships at times. But maybe they don't and those are all very superfical relationships that contain no substance. Hey, what do I know, right? Maybe more than I think.
Ya know, I feel that lack of connection deeply. I have no sense of how others perceive me, and it bothers me. Does it bother others as much? It's bothered me since high school or maybe earlier. It's not that I want to be the "popular" guy, but it's the need to want to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be considered a part of something, to be ... human. Otherwise we're alone and adrift and it feels like there is no connection to something beyond your own internal world.
At the end of the day, which looks to be right now according to the clock, I wish people could be more honest and straighforward in their interactions with others. Does that girl actually like me? Do my co-workers consider me an asshole? Is this haircut that bad? Do I have spinach stuck between my teeth? Christ, would a little honesty kill everyone?
Here's wishing love, truth, and honesty to everyone 'cause I'm sick of the hate and the dishonesty...
Have a great week, my friends.
I think I'm kind of adjusting to life here in Chicago. I do like the city a lot, at least. But, it's the
rest of life that has me looking at the reality we live in. The disconnect between people and the
difficulty that exists in meeting and forming friendships with others. The all encompasing obsession with "work" and how, because of it we, live in such an isolated existence. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's the perception I have. I might be wrong and it might be easier for evereone else. There has to be a better way for us to live. There is. I just don't know it. My feeling is that the way we are living is killing a large part of what actually makes us human. Like I said, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just me and I'm a social mutant that has a problem forming realtionships with people. Everyone else seems to have great social relationships at times. But maybe they don't and those are all very superfical relationships that contain no substance. Hey, what do I know, right? Maybe more than I think.
Ya know, I feel that lack of connection deeply. I have no sense of how others perceive me, and it bothers me. Does it bother others as much? It's bothered me since high school or maybe earlier. It's not that I want to be the "popular" guy, but it's the need to want to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be considered a part of something, to be ... human. Otherwise we're alone and adrift and it feels like there is no connection to something beyond your own internal world.
At the end of the day, which looks to be right now according to the clock, I wish people could be more honest and straighforward in their interactions with others. Does that girl actually like me? Do my co-workers consider me an asshole? Is this haircut that bad? Do I have spinach stuck between my teeth? Christ, would a little honesty kill everyone?
Here's wishing love, truth, and honesty to everyone 'cause I'm sick of the hate and the dishonesty...
Have a great week, my friends.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
"Who Is This America Dem Speak Of Today?"
March 19th, 2008 was the 5th anniversary of the start of the
war in Iraq. I went to the PEACEFUL protest in downtown
Chicago. It was HUGE. It was a legal event and the organizers
had all the permits. So if any guvernment guys are reading this:
we did nothing wrong. It was a peaceful protest against a war
that has taken so many lives needlessly. My own political views
and actions are, and always will be, peaceful. As Gandhi said:
"Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it
is momentary." If things got crazy, I would have been out of
there in a second. I'm a guest in this country and my mother
always told me to be respectful when visiting, so I wasn't
going to cause or be a part of any trouble.
America was built on political activism and protest. It was born
from those fires. It has a rich history of protest: VietNam,
Civil Rights, Women's Suffrage. It goes on and on. So it was
amazing to be a part of that history. I felt I was part of the
movements that came before. These are the footsteps that
so many have previously walked.
The march began in front of Federal Plaza and wound its way
up Clark St. We marched across the Chicago River, beneath
the gigantic skyscrapers stretching upward toward the early
evening sky. People along the path flashed peace signs and
waved. It was a beautiful time. Many times I had to fight
back tears as I was so overcome by emotion. I hadn't
expected people to be so respectfull. In all honesty, I was
expecting it to be more confrontational. But it wasn't.
Then up Michigan Ave, one of the great shopping districts
in America, chanting "while you're shopping; bombs are
dropping." The police lined the sidewalks, half protecting,
half intimidating. We walked for the dead and the living.
We walked and made our voices heard. We made a
holy noise as we walked.
We passed the John Hancock Centre, a gigantic black
monolith of a building named after one of the Founding
Fathers of America. He fought the British to help forge
this country.
The cop density increased. The marched alongside us now.
Unwanted guardians.
We wound our way through the city until we got to a park.
The organizers told us this is where the official protest ended.
From here on the cops were the ones in charge.
Time to move out of the way. I did my part and now I
didn't want to be there if things got bad. I walked to the
sidewalk and watched. We had our say. There was no
reason to get arrested. That wouldn't accomplish
anything.
People milled about. Drumming started and people began
to dance in the streets.
That was enough fror the cops. Some appeared on
Segways and four-wheelers, pushing the crowds back,
blasting sirens, trying to get people out of the streets.
Then the ones in riot gear showed up. Like stormtroopers
they waited for the orders to start crushing heads. Silent.
Waiting.
Then the cops on horses appeared out of the dark to
push more people back. You could feel the tension.
What was going to happen?
Was somebody going to do something stupid?
Would it all descend into chaos?
There were too many people taking pictures and video.
It would have been a PR disaster for the police. There
was not one word hurled at them. There was not one
stone thrown. There was not one act of violence.
I chatted with people on the sidelines. People seemed
calm. Whatever tension I felt, was to others almost
non-existent. Like this was expected.
And then ... things started to die down. People moved off.
The police pulled back. It was over and nobody got hurt.
The tension disapated. And it was over.
But for 2 hours we made ourselves heard. Five years down.
How many to go?
p.s. - As an afterthought, everyone showed a lot of restraint:
the police, the protestors. It very easily could have gotten
nasty, so I applaud everyone for letting cooler heads prevail.
p.p.s-btw, the title of this post is from a song by the Afrobeat
band Antibalas. If you haven't heard of them, do yourself a
favour and check em out. Trust me.
war in Iraq. I went to the PEACEFUL protest in downtown
Chicago. It was HUGE. It was a legal event and the organizers
had all the permits. So if any guvernment guys are reading this:
we did nothing wrong. It was a peaceful protest against a war
that has taken so many lives needlessly. My own political views
and actions are, and always will be, peaceful. As Gandhi said:
"Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it
is momentary." If things got crazy, I would have been out of
there in a second. I'm a guest in this country and my mother
always told me to be respectful when visiting, so I wasn't
going to cause or be a part of any trouble.
America was built on political activism and protest. It was born
from those fires. It has a rich history of protest: VietNam,
Civil Rights, Women's Suffrage. It goes on and on. So it was
amazing to be a part of that history. I felt I was part of the
movements that came before. These are the footsteps that
so many have previously walked.
The march began in front of Federal Plaza and wound its way
up Clark St. We marched across the Chicago River, beneath
the gigantic skyscrapers stretching upward toward the early
evening sky. People along the path flashed peace signs and
waved. It was a beautiful time. Many times I had to fight
back tears as I was so overcome by emotion. I hadn't
expected people to be so respectfull. In all honesty, I was
expecting it to be more confrontational. But it wasn't.
Then up Michigan Ave, one of the great shopping districts
in America, chanting "while you're shopping; bombs are
dropping." The police lined the sidewalks, half protecting,
half intimidating. We walked for the dead and the living.
We walked and made our voices heard. We made a
holy noise as we walked.
We passed the John Hancock Centre, a gigantic black
monolith of a building named after one of the Founding
Fathers of America. He fought the British to help forge
this country.
The cop density increased. The marched alongside us now.
Unwanted guardians.
We wound our way through the city until we got to a park.
The organizers told us this is where the official protest ended.
From here on the cops were the ones in charge.
Time to move out of the way. I did my part and now I
didn't want to be there if things got bad. I walked to the
sidewalk and watched. We had our say. There was no
reason to get arrested. That wouldn't accomplish
anything.
People milled about. Drumming started and people began
to dance in the streets.
That was enough fror the cops. Some appeared on
Segways and four-wheelers, pushing the crowds back,
blasting sirens, trying to get people out of the streets.
Then the ones in riot gear showed up. Like stormtroopers
they waited for the orders to start crushing heads. Silent.
Waiting.
Then the cops on horses appeared out of the dark to
push more people back. You could feel the tension.
What was going to happen?
Was somebody going to do something stupid?
Would it all descend into chaos?
There were too many people taking pictures and video.
It would have been a PR disaster for the police. There
was not one word hurled at them. There was not one
stone thrown. There was not one act of violence.
I chatted with people on the sidelines. People seemed
calm. Whatever tension I felt, was to others almost
non-existent. Like this was expected.
And then ... things started to die down. People moved off.
The police pulled back. It was over and nobody got hurt.
The tension disapated. And it was over.
But for 2 hours we made ourselves heard. Five years down.
How many to go?
p.s. - As an afterthought, everyone showed a lot of restraint:
the police, the protestors. It very easily could have gotten
nasty, so I applaud everyone for letting cooler heads prevail.
p.p.s-btw, the title of this post is from a song by the Afrobeat
band Antibalas. If you haven't heard of them, do yourself a
favour and check em out. Trust me.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Deep Dish
Had my first Chicago Deep Dish pizza today. Now I need a nap.
It's a lotttttt of dough. It's a pizza that makes no sense either: thick thick crust, then cheese, then toppings, then sauce. Crazy Americans....
It's a lotttttt of dough. It's a pizza that makes no sense either: thick thick crust, then cheese, then toppings, then sauce. Crazy Americans....
Friday, March 14, 2008
dogs
There are dogs everywhere in this city. Literally everywhere. I've never seen so many dogs before. It may actually be a prerequisite to living in Lincoln Park. Expensive car? Check. Blonde hair? Check. Faux Irish Pub? Check. Dog? Check.
Weird...
Weird...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Darjeeling Limited
Ok, I'm starting a new thing: movie reviews. Since I can't be with friends in TO to watch movies with, then I can at least make some suggestion based on stuff I've seen.
"Darjeeling Limited"
Dir.: Wes Anderson
If you like Wes Anderson's previous movis ("Rushmore", "The Life Aquatic", "Bottle Rocket", "The Royal Tenenbaums") odds are good you'll like this. It's not as comedic as his others, that's not to say this isn't a funny movie, it's very funny, but it has a different weight to it. It's his most melancholic, I suppose. Anderson has built a career on making quirky, dysfunctional-character driven, visually inventive movies, and this continues the trend.
It's the story of 3 estranged brothers (Owen Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jsaon Schwartzman) who meet in India to go ona spiritual journey to rekindle their relationship. From the start, it's obvious they all carry baggage, baggage made manifest by the old luggage left to them by their dead father. This baggage haunts them and follows them around on their journey throughout the movie. They are all running from something (new family, old girlfriend, themselves) to something else which they can't identify, and ultimately towards somebody who has shaped who they have become and much of their pain (I won't give it away...). Each of them is complex and their relationship to one another as brothers is equally complex. They haven't spoken to each other for a year, since their father's funeral, or seen their mother since before then either. Yeh, they got issues....
The movie is as much about the 3 brothers as it is a sort of love letter to India and all it's elements. In many of Anderson's movies he constructs these minutely detailed, beautifully coloured, quirky set pieces. Well, that's India and so the setting seems appropriate. Anderson, apparently, claims this movie has been influenced by Jean Renoir's Indian movie "The River" and Indian director/writer Sanjit Roy's films and stories. And you feel it. The country breathes and lives in the space around these 3 Americans in their jackets and slacks. It permeates every inch of their environment and it makes the viewer see it as more than a backdrop for a movie. This movie could not have been set anywhere else.
Train rides always seem like metaphors for life to me, so I think see what Anderson is trying to do with this film: as the train (the Darjeeling Limited) moves along, the brothers deal with their issues, have adventures, and learn about themselves and each other on the journey, resolving much in the end, or at least learning enough about how to deal with one another. That's life. The metaphor is highlighted late in the movie when you see all the characters in the movie sitting in separate compartments on the train, even though many of them aren't on the literal train. And, like life, it isn't a nice well-paced narrative either. This movie is a bit of a shambling mess, lurching along at its own pace. That's life too.
It's heartbreaking, it's reaffirming, it's funny. It's quintessential Wes Anderson. And that's good because he's one of the most original American directors working today.
"Darjeeling Limited"
Dir.: Wes Anderson
If you like Wes Anderson's previous movis ("Rushmore", "The Life Aquatic", "Bottle Rocket", "The Royal Tenenbaums") odds are good you'll like this. It's not as comedic as his others, that's not to say this isn't a funny movie, it's very funny, but it has a different weight to it. It's his most melancholic, I suppose. Anderson has built a career on making quirky, dysfunctional-character driven, visually inventive movies, and this continues the trend.
It's the story of 3 estranged brothers (Owen Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jsaon Schwartzman) who meet in India to go ona spiritual journey to rekindle their relationship. From the start, it's obvious they all carry baggage, baggage made manifest by the old luggage left to them by their dead father. This baggage haunts them and follows them around on their journey throughout the movie. They are all running from something (new family, old girlfriend, themselves) to something else which they can't identify, and ultimately towards somebody who has shaped who they have become and much of their pain (I won't give it away...). Each of them is complex and their relationship to one another as brothers is equally complex. They haven't spoken to each other for a year, since their father's funeral, or seen their mother since before then either. Yeh, they got issues....
The movie is as much about the 3 brothers as it is a sort of love letter to India and all it's elements. In many of Anderson's movies he constructs these minutely detailed, beautifully coloured, quirky set pieces. Well, that's India and so the setting seems appropriate. Anderson, apparently, claims this movie has been influenced by Jean Renoir's Indian movie "The River" and Indian director/writer Sanjit Roy's films and stories. And you feel it. The country breathes and lives in the space around these 3 Americans in their jackets and slacks. It permeates every inch of their environment and it makes the viewer see it as more than a backdrop for a movie. This movie could not have been set anywhere else.
Train rides always seem like metaphors for life to me, so I think see what Anderson is trying to do with this film: as the train (the Darjeeling Limited) moves along, the brothers deal with their issues, have adventures, and learn about themselves and each other on the journey, resolving much in the end, or at least learning enough about how to deal with one another. That's life. The metaphor is highlighted late in the movie when you see all the characters in the movie sitting in separate compartments on the train, even though many of them aren't on the literal train. And, like life, it isn't a nice well-paced narrative either. This movie is a bit of a shambling mess, lurching along at its own pace. That's life too.
It's heartbreaking, it's reaffirming, it's funny. It's quintessential Wes Anderson. And that's good because he's one of the most original American directors working today.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
U2
Oddly enough, I haven't been listening to very much music since I arrived. I dunno why.
But I do know that U2 always makes me feel better when I'm feeling done. They maybe maudline and pretenious at times, but they can write a dman good song.
But I do know that U2 always makes me feel better when I'm feeling done. They maybe maudline and pretenious at times, but they can write a dman good song.
Monday, March 10, 2008
the job
I've been away from this type of work for ~8 months now. There's so much to remember and now even more to learn. It's pretty overhwhelming, and now I'm starting to get these needling doubts of whether I can do all this. I mean, intelectually, I know I can do it given the right set of circumstances in which to learn it, but it's still easy to get overloaded and panic. We'll see how it goes. It's going to take time for me to get up to speed and beyond I'm sure, but as usuall I will put more pressure on myself than others will put on me.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
this weekend
Ok,people in this city seem pretty nice. Fuck the stereotype of the rude American. People here are open to talk to you. You make a bit of an effort and people will engage you. Take that, Toronto.
Run down of the weekend:
- Friday night went out for drinks with people from work (manager and another physicist). Mmm, foreign policy and Lefties, good bunch.
- Saturday night went to a comedy/sketch/variety show in which couple of the guys from Drinking Liberally are in. Mmmm, Leftie politics again, again good bunch.
- Sunday afternoon went to the Oilers vs the Blackhawks with some people from the Canada Club and the Ex-pat meetup.com group. Oilers won in overtime! Most of the people are actually American but WTH!
- Sunday night was trad Irish music at The Galway. Always a goo dway to finish off the weekend.
I think I did more this weekend than I usually did in 3 weekends in Toronto. Plus I read 2 paers for work and did laundry. Shit, I need another weekend to recover.....
Run down of the weekend:
- Friday night went out for drinks with people from work (manager and another physicist). Mmm, foreign policy and Lefties, good bunch.
- Saturday night went to a comedy/sketch/variety show in which couple of the guys from Drinking Liberally are in. Mmmm, Leftie politics again, again good bunch.
- Sunday afternoon went to the Oilers vs the Blackhawks with some people from the Canada Club and the Ex-pat meetup.com group. Oilers won in overtime! Most of the people are actually American but WTH!
- Sunday night was trad Irish music at The Galway. Always a goo dway to finish off the weekend.
I think I did more this weekend than I usually did in 3 weekends in Toronto. Plus I read 2 paers for work and did laundry. Shit, I need another weekend to recover.....
WTF am I doing here?
I'm going to be 37 in a few months. WTF am I doing here?
I've spent most of my life either studying or in jobs I knew were only temporary, with no semblance of a real life. I'm tired of that and want to settle down. Plant some roots. I thought that was beginning to happen in Toronto. In all honesty, it was the first time in my life I was happy. So, why did I think I had to uproot myself and begin again, again? Am I going to be 40 before my life starts to fall into place? I'm so sick of being alone all the time and not having a community around me. Christ.....
Don't get me wrong; the city is great and so are the people. It's just that I've left behind everyone I've ever cared about for seemingly selfish reasons. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but everyone thinks I made the right decision. Why can't I see that?
I suppose I'm too close to the situation. Blinded and overwhelmed by the moment.
ergh, ok. Enough for now.
I've spent most of my life either studying or in jobs I knew were only temporary, with no semblance of a real life. I'm tired of that and want to settle down. Plant some roots. I thought that was beginning to happen in Toronto. In all honesty, it was the first time in my life I was happy. So, why did I think I had to uproot myself and begin again, again? Am I going to be 40 before my life starts to fall into place? I'm so sick of being alone all the time and not having a community around me. Christ.....
Don't get me wrong; the city is great and so are the people. It's just that I've left behind everyone I've ever cared about for seemingly selfish reasons. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but everyone thinks I made the right decision. Why can't I see that?
I suppose I'm too close to the situation. Blinded and overwhelmed by the moment.
ergh, ok. Enough for now.
Friday, March 7, 2008
overwhelmed
New job. New apartment. New city. New way of doing things.
I am overwhelmed without any means, other than my own will, to deal with this. I have nobody here I can confide in or turn to. It is easily the scariest shit I've ever done in my life. I'm so far out of my comfort zone, I can barely deal with it.
It's like I took my life, completely rearranged it, and am left to deal with the new pieces without a clue on how to go about it. Actually, that's exactly how things are.
Close to a freak-out now....breath, breath, breath.
I am overwhelmed without any means, other than my own will, to deal with this. I have nobody here I can confide in or turn to. It is easily the scariest shit I've ever done in my life. I'm so far out of my comfort zone, I can barely deal with it.
It's like I took my life, completely rearranged it, and am left to deal with the new pieces without a clue on how to go about it. Actually, that's exactly how things are.
Close to a freak-out now....breath, breath, breath.
finally
My phone and internet is hooked up. I am now re-wired with the world.
First week is almost done and this is my 2nd week anniversary in Chicago. I'm liking the city a lot, but not being able to hang with the 160 crew is still very much bothering me. Drinking wine, chatting, watching movies, etc at ATM's. Ah, family.
I have to try to make it out to something this weekend to meet people.
First week is almost done and this is my 2nd week anniversary in Chicago. I'm liking the city a lot, but not being able to hang with the 160 crew is still very much bothering me. Drinking wine, chatting, watching movies, etc at ATM's. Ah, family.
I have to try to make it out to something this weekend to meet people.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
diversity
One of the most striking differences between Chicago and any other city in Canada is the number of African-Americans and Mexican-Americans here. The city is ~40% African-American actually! There are Mexican restaurants everywhere. I ate one of the best vegie burritos I've evr had a few days ago. On the Southside, Soul Food restaurants dot the cityscape.
It adds a whole other level of diversity that we don't see in Canada. It's another thing that makes this feel like another country.
Camille's aliens should visit ....
It adds a whole other level of diversity that we don't see in Canada. It's another thing that makes this feel like another country.
Camille's aliens should visit ....
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
first day
First day at work done. It wasn't too bad. It's going to be a challenge but I think I can do it. Hell, when haven't I been able to do something that required my brain? Still, it's very daunting. Things are different in this department and much smaller scale. I have to do a lot of reviewing to remember things from months ago. I do not plan on doing this job half-assed. It's full-assed or not at all....
But I survived day 1.
But I survived day 1.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
the bars
The bars in this city are a drunkard's dream. All sizes and shapes. There are a few that have "beer gardens"; basically these are big rooms with lots of seating to drink.
LOTS of Irish pubs. Friggin' everywhere actually.
Then there are a plethora of places that a respectable gentleman should not frequent. Fortunately, I am neither a gentleman nor respectable.
Sterch's: popular with writers in 60's and 70's.
Ravens: open til 4am and serves only popcorn.
B.L.U.E.S.: a loud racuous Blues bar. I can;t wait to check out some more places.
The Billy Goat Tavern: underneath the Chi Tribune building, the basis for the infamous SNL Belushi sketch "cheezeborger" (it's even on the sign), and also responsible for a curse
on the Cubs (the original owner cursed the Cubs back in '45 when they wouldn't let him
bring his pet goat into Wrigley Field, and the Cubs have NOT been back to the World Series
since).
LOTS of Irish pubs. Friggin' everywhere actually.
Then there are a plethora of places that a respectable gentleman should not frequent. Fortunately, I am neither a gentleman nor respectable.
Sterch's: popular with writers in 60's and 70's.
Ravens: open til 4am and serves only popcorn.
B.L.U.E.S.: a loud racuous Blues bar. I can;t wait to check out some more places.
The Billy Goat Tavern: underneath the Chi Tribune building, the basis for the infamous SNL Belushi sketch "cheezeborger" (it's even on the sign), and also responsible for a curse
on the Cubs (the original owner cursed the Cubs back in '45 when they wouldn't let him
bring his pet goat into Wrigley Field, and the Cubs have NOT been back to the World Series
since).
happenings.....
Still feeling down today. I still really miss my friends, but when things get going at work it'll hopefully be better. Once the $$ starts rolling in, I'll be able to head back to TO for a long weekend. Easter looks like it'll be too expensive unfortunately, but hopefully soon after.
Went out on Tuesday to Drinking Liberally to watch the Dems debate. This is a group of people who get together at a pub and talk politics in a fine American tradition. Tomorrow night I'm headed out with people from work to go bowling, so I'll meet some more people there. Through the Canadian Ex-Pat meetup.com group I've made contact with some people too and plan to meet for drinks this weekend. On Monday, the Reading Under the Influence groups meets, and they are a literary group that meets in a pub every month. So, the initial steps of meeting people have been set down. I'm beginning to worry that much of this revolves around pubs... but then again, so waht?
later
Went out on Tuesday to Drinking Liberally to watch the Dems debate. This is a group of people who get together at a pub and talk politics in a fine American tradition. Tomorrow night I'm headed out with people from work to go bowling, so I'll meet some more people there. Through the Canadian Ex-Pat meetup.com group I've made contact with some people too and plan to meet for drinks this weekend. On Monday, the Reading Under the Influence groups meets, and they are a literary group that meets in a pub every month. So, the initial steps of meeting people have been set down. I'm beginning to worry that much of this revolves around pubs... but then again, so waht?
later
at&t suck....
Ergh. I've been going around in circles for days with AT&T to get phone and internet. My credit verification was sent in on the 14th and took almost a week because their computers were down. Then I placed an order for just internet, thinking I'd get a cell. So, I changed my mind on that and wanted to order a phone line too. So, that order had to be cancelled and a new order placed, which will delay everything. Then I was informed that my building does not have the lines for internet (not true). So, I call them back today to check on the order. They had to re-enter most of my info inlcluding my credit card number! NOW, maybe, theoretically, phone will be active tomorrow and internet on monday. We'll see.
Ya know, for a telecommunications company, ya'd think they'd be better at this kinda stuff.....
Ya know, for a telecommunications company, ya'd think they'd be better at this kinda stuff.....
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
here i am
well, here i am. starting to settle in. lots of stuff to get done before work starts: HR at the hospital, bank account, SSN, etc. so, i can't get a bank account until my SSN card comes which really sucks and limits a lot of what i can do in terms of setting up bills etc. ergh. i have applied for the SSN card today. my first taste of real honest-to-goodness american beurocracy, and it's about the same as canadian...
The city is amazing though. Immense. The monolithic buikdings downtown make it feel like it's part of some ancient empire. Skyscrapers crowd each other for a pice of the sky. People, cars, and trains wind their way through the canyons and between buildings. So much to see and do.
The only downside of it all is that I'm here alone without my dear dear friends to share it with. It's overwhelming and frightening. I know I can meet and make friends but it's something I've always found takes an enomous effort on my part to break through the shyness that always lurks and holds me back. My insecurities I suppose. I guess I'll make out ok, but I feel guilty for leaving all my friends behind. I feel selfish. For once in my life, I built a community of friends that made me feel like I belonged and then I left. I really feel bad about this. Sorry, guys, if you're reading this.
be back soon ... internet will be hooked up soon.
The city is amazing though. Immense. The monolithic buikdings downtown make it feel like it's part of some ancient empire. Skyscrapers crowd each other for a pice of the sky. People, cars, and trains wind their way through the canyons and between buildings. So much to see and do.
The only downside of it all is that I'm here alone without my dear dear friends to share it with. It's overwhelming and frightening. I know I can meet and make friends but it's something I've always found takes an enomous effort on my part to break through the shyness that always lurks and holds me back. My insecurities I suppose. I guess I'll make out ok, but I feel guilty for leaving all my friends behind. I feel selfish. For once in my life, I built a community of friends that made me feel like I belonged and then I left. I really feel bad about this. Sorry, guys, if you're reading this.
be back soon ... internet will be hooked up soon.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
d'oh
that was supposed to say "packing IS the devil's plaything."
"packing IF the devil's plaything." makes no sense whatsoever...
"packing IF the devil's plaything." makes no sense whatsoever...
packing if the devil's plaything ...
shit ...
I hate packing: do I keep this or throw it away? can I fit all of this into a smaller box? where do I put all these boxes?
Also, I have toooo many books. I should be an honourary library....
It's interesting to look through all these papers and things that I've colected over thr years. Fond memories and memories best forgotten, all given form in a pile of papers and photos. (Also, I used to have a lot more hair).
More on this later as I dig deeper into the pile.
I hate packing: do I keep this or throw it away? can I fit all of this into a smaller box? where do I put all these boxes?
Also, I have toooo many books. I should be an honourary library....
It's interesting to look through all these papers and things that I've colected over thr years. Fond memories and memories best forgotten, all given form in a pile of papers and photos. (Also, I used to have a lot more hair).
More on this later as I dig deeper into the pile.
Monday, January 21, 2008
done deal
The lease has been couried off. So, baring any tragedies, like the utter and complete disruption of Canada Post (which in retrospect, one cannot rule out), the apartment is MINE. It's the one on the top floor and leftmost.
Any of my friends are welcome to visit and stay, but I may ask you to do the dishes....
Any of my friends are welcome to visit and stay, but I may ask you to do the dishes....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
apartment secured
Soooo, that is the building in which I shall be residing. The amenities include: dark hardwood floor and trim, gas stove, bike storage, blinds. I'm on the top floor so no jackasses pounding around waking me up. NOW, I am the jackass!! Seriously, it's great. Soon as I walked into the courtyard I knew this was where I wanted to live. Back in the early 90's there was a movie called "Singles" starring Matt Dillon. It was "Friends" but set in Seatle during the rise of the Grunge music scene and was supposed to be a slice of life for Generation X. This group of friends lived in a courtyard building that looked like this building, and ever since I've wanted to live in a building like that.
A little about the neighbourhood. Lincoln Park is north of downtown Chicago and probably 15 minutes on the bus to get me to work. Cool. My place is 1/2 way between Lincoln Ave. and Clark St., two of the major "happening" streets. LOTS of restos and bars. It has the feel of the Annex here in Toronto, but a little more upscale. Many quiet narrow residential streets with old stone buildings shadowed by trees. The side streets feel European, yet walking to a main street you realize you are unmistakably in Ahhhmerica.
later
A little about the neighbourhood. Lincoln Park is north of downtown Chicago and probably 15 minutes on the bus to get me to work. Cool. My place is 1/2 way between Lincoln Ave. and Clark St., two of the major "happening" streets. LOTS of restos and bars. It has the feel of the Annex here in Toronto, but a little more upscale. Many quiet narrow residential streets with old stone buildings shadowed by trees. The side streets feel European, yet walking to a main street you realize you are unmistakably in Ahhhmerica.
later
Saturday, January 5, 2008
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