anger. bitter and boiling in the back
of my throat. seething.

this is how i now feel about this job.
i detest how it consumes my life.
turning me into little more than a slave.
they expect me to live and breath this
job, like its the only thing that should
matter. giving all until nothing remains.

is that why i've worked so hard all my
life for?

you work hard and get an
education so you're not supposed to be
somebody's slave. but not here. oh no!
not here! fuck them. f u c k t h e m.
i've worked to hard for too long
sacrificing too much....

middle-age?

Well, you've read my complaints and whining
for awhile on here.

What it comes down to is this is not what I
wanted out of life. I figured this would be
a good chance to live a little, have a bit of
an adventure, etc. Instead I'm chained to this
job. I very much feel like a prisoner and I
really don'y like feeling trapped.

I've put so much of my personal life on hold
over the past ~2 years in order to build up to
a "career". Maybe its partly that I just didn't
want to try at those personal life things, but
I don't really think that's it. I look around
and I see people living lives: relationships,
families, friends, social activities. And I can't
have ANY of that. Yes, it is jealousy, but I do
feel as if life is completely passing me by.

I spent most of my 20s in the same way: working,
ever working towards the PhD, putting stuff on
hold. Once you get a "real" job, like I
supposedly have now, you can live life. But
I can't. This job, here, now, renders that
impossible. I have been cheated, as crass as
that sounds. This job is eating my soul. And
I hate the life I'm living NOW more than I ever
have because I have NOTHING in my life anymore
except this job.

You were expected to sacrifice during the PhD
years. But not now. That's not what it was
supposed to be about.

Fuck it. Fuck em all. There are possibilities
back in Canada coming up. If they don't pan out,
well, then fuck it. I'm not spending the rest
of life not having a life. I refuse to.

No more breakdowns. No more tears. Only anger
and pure determination to get out of here by any
means necessary. They can't have what's left of
me.