"I can feel it coming in the air tonight...hold on, hold on...."

change is in the air...

i'm not a superstious person. i don't believe
in miracles. but i believe in signs.

here are 3 today:
- at a social function with work
colleagues, one mentioned "when i leave..."
- later, at the regular Irish music night i attend,
the band has all changed. the regular band
members are gone.
- a woman i've met there before assumed i was
a writer, based on what i don't know, but that's
what she thought i was.

take from it aht you will, but whenever i'm
restless and need something i look to the
universe, or whatever, for signs on a decision.
most times, it's complete bollocks. but when
it's someting big, the pieces align, things move
into place. and i start to believe that maybe
there is something more out there...or at least
a hint of something telling me that there is
something in the air.....

changes

My social anxiety has increased over the past
few weeks. I get twitching and tentative in
public. I can't make eye contact anymore.
Being around other people makes me nervous.
I'm forgetting how to socialize with people.
I went to the pub last night for food and
couldn't wait to finish my food and get out
of there. I just didn't want to be around
people anymore.

I really don't want to be here anymore. If I
can't find a job back home soon, I think I'll
quit. Get rid of almost everything and move
back to Bridgetown. This science thing has
taken too big a toll on me. I'm burning out
and can't deal with it anymore.

I need friends and family in my life. I need
peace and quiet in my life. I need to do things.
I have NONE of that here in Chicago. Absolutely
none. I'm existing here and that's all. And
existing isn't enough.

I need to live. I need to have a life. I need
to laugh with friends and hug them. I need to
not wake up to honking horns and scrambling people.
I need to get out of here and get back home. Back
to civilization. Fuck this.

Nothing of what I wished for in moving here has
happened. I rarely go and check out live music
anymore. Being in bars is starting to annoy me,
plus I'm simply too worn out to go out. I haven't
been to any festivas, cause I'm too worn out from
work. Same with a dozen things I wanted to do and
experience.

I just don't know how much longer I can hang on...
I really don't ....

i'm defintielyt losing my mind.

this work is killing me. i hoenstly
dont know how much more of this i can
take.

really, in all hoensty, without a shade
fo bullshit, i am very close to cashing in
any stocks i have, selling everythig ic an,
quiting this motherfuckin damn piece of shit
way fo life and moving back to bridgetwon.

i can't fuckin go on like this anymore. i
have no life anymore at all. i can't deal
with this anymore. i'm not making any progress
at work even though i try harder than i ever
have before. the only rational explanation is
that i'm just not smart enoght to do this job.
therefopre the only logical rational endpoitn
is to quit.

i've had it. i don;'t want ot live like this.
i really don't.....

and fuck you if you thinkgi'm just whiniung!
juyst fuck you! fuck you fuck you!
i'm tired of wsting my fuckin life killing
mysleg at a fuckin job! fuck you! fuycjkk you!
fuck you fuck you fuck you cufkc you fuck you fuck
you fuck you!

fuck me.,

un-determination

not feeling very confidant about being
able to do the job today....and its only
monday.
had a bag of chips and some crackers&sheese
and grapes for lunch. that's all i've eaten
today. i'll be here for a few more hours at
least. not time to go to the cafetaria. have
to get this treatment plan done tonight.

who am i fooling? i can't do this fuckin job.
i wasted saturday cause i came in today and it
wasn't good enough so now i've spent the entire
day on it to no avail.

death is too good for me and my foolishness....

determination

ok ok ok, i have to saty determined and
confidant that i can find something back
home.
i'm starting to get tired of living in
the big cities. as i get older, i like
the laid-backness of the smaller cities
more. oshawa or wahtver would be just
fine for now.
i have to remain confidant that i can do
this job and then find something back home.
i will do this. it's all i have anymre.

ergh

i know all that gets written here anymore is
my complaints and whining. wel, there's
absolutely nothing else going on in my life
to talk about. like i said: no friends,
no concerts, no books, etc. i've been to a
couple movies, i've bought some movies. i've
hung out with the occasional person. but nothing
interesting to speak of. and really, with no
support structure of any kind in this city,
this is my only outlet for my frustration
and depressions.

i've spent a long time trying to create some
sort of a normal life. in science, it's almost
expected that you will never have one. almost
a pre-requisite. i've spent a long time trying
to conquer my depression, build self-confidence,
and establish an identity that doesn't revolve
around what i do for a living. and i had the
beginnings of that in toronto. for once in my
life, i started to feel normal, like an actual
human being whose thoughts and feelings were
acknowledged and respected. i've spent my
entire life trying to get to that point.
never in grade school, high school, or
university or any point in between have i ever
had that. never.

in the 4 mths here, all of that hard work is
crumbling around me. the job is sucking any
soul i have and leaving a worthless shell of a
man behind. my self-confidence and self-esteem
have been tattered and torn into scraps of
their formal selves. i have zero life outside
of work. zero. nothing. nada. nil. i've
gotten to the point where i'm forgetting how to
interact and be social with people. i'm
starting to avoid people and social situations
again. i'm turning into the chris of old.
and i don't like that chris. i want that chris
to be dead and never to be dug up.

as my 30s are starting to recede behind me, i
know this is most definitely not how i want my
40s to be. but i feel trapped, unable to wrestle
any sort of life out of my time here. the
pressure at work, although not spoken in so
many words, is overhwhelming, so i work
harder and longer and seemingly never get any
further ahead. jobs in canada? maybe, but not
anytime soon, plus there are tons of people more
qualified than myself. i don't think i'll ever
be qualified enough.

if this is how it plays out for the rest of my
life, then i choose not to play. better to check
out sooner rather than later.....

today

it's saturday. i'm at work because i can't
get waht i needed to get done done. stuff
is due monday so i have no choice. it's not
like i haven't been working 10 to 11 hrs/day
as it is, but now i'm at work on saturdays too.
i fuckin hate my life so fuckin much i can't
describe it...
i have nothing in my life anymore except work.
no books, no concerts, no music, no cooking,
no hanging out, no dating. nothing.
is this really how things are going to be from
now on? if so, i don't want any part of it.
better to jump in front of a bus than waste my
life like this.
looking back, i never should have left nova
scotia or bridgetown.
what a fuckin waste....

sigh....

please ignore my bitterness....
i'm tired of complaining to everyone.
and my apologies for doing so. i just
need to vent sometimes and be heard.

again, sorry....

BIG FUCKIN' DEAL

nothing new has happened besides
work, alcohol consumption, and sleep.

i do not do anything anymore except
those 3 things. on the weekend, i'm
too confused and tired to try to find
anything interesting to do.
i am quickly approaching
my late 30s and all i have to show for
my life are my university degrees.
whoop-dee-fuckin-do.

note: high blood pressure, clinical
depression, no house, no car, plenty
of debt, no wife, no kids, no pets.

pathetic, isn't it? well, that's all
i have....time to just accept it, bury my
head and wait for the heart attack to
get it all over with.

the thing is, i'm not really depressed
like i would have been 5 yrs ago. now
i'm just angry and upset that i've wasted
so much time on such meaningless crap
like this so-called "education" and
"work". big fucking deal it all is.

listen, trust me on this, don't go to
grad school. learn a trade of some sort.
learn something that will give you the
free time to live your life and do things
besides work. don't rot your life away
from people and experiences and life. i
feel i have and i regret it so damn much.

live a life. don't work a life....

signed
Chris
(waiting for the heart attack)

mantra

if i survive my time here ...
i will walk through fire,
i will swallow glass,
i will follow hell....