Rusty

Listening to Neil on the stereo,
Sounds of the Great White North
Filtered through the USA.

I think my roots are showing.....

Juvenile Capitalism

I went for a walk today and a little kid was selling
lemonade out in front of his house so I bought a
glass for 50 cents.

Ah, capitalism, they start em young down here....

p.s.-Camille's Mom's lemonade is better.

Flash Moments From Within the Haunted Empire (part I)

These are fingersnap moments as I saw them
and took them down.

***

Reading Jack in the park
Back against the cool bark
Bugs on my arms are eternity.

***

Ducks lined up on a log in the pond. Litle
feathery soldiers fuffing and ferluffeling.

***

The lake glows turqouise, the colour of God's
eyes, silently rollng in quiet chaos. White
boats dot and dart, pulling white crumbles
behind them. The noise of the city grinds
on at my back. My ears fill with the babel
of the internal combustion engine.

***

The vast sandy sea speckled with sweating,
tanning humanity, living like Romans. Is this
your entitlement while the rest rot and die
in slums?

***

All desire has left my bones. All that remains
is a whisper of a man. I'm made of other stuff
than you.

dumped....

Dumped.  Yet again.  Again, the gears of life grind
inexhaustibly against my heart.  Such is my fate I
suppose.  

I'm so so very tired of thinking that this one will
be different and then have to face the unwavering
heartache yet again.  But she did feel different.
We have so much in common.  We can be vulnerabale
around each other.  We can talk to each other with
open hearts.

I suppose this is for the best.  The religion thing
would have inevitably gotten in the way in the
end.  My world shrank just a little bit last
night and it hurts so much.    

Now, I have no emotional connection to this
city either.  I have nothing to look forward to on
the weekend or the evenings.  I'm back to being
alone.  It also makes it feel like my life here is
only temporary.

Back to working on weekends again....

fuck the American Dream....

This is the 1st post under the topic "USA vs Canada". What
that will entail will be observations on our differences.

The biggest and most annoying so far is that they say "zee" while
we say "zed".  I defer to the Queen's English in this case.

Ok, so Americans work a fucking lot!  Every person I've met, in
and outside of the hospital, work like mad dogs.  Their work ethic
is mindboggling.  I suppose this is why the 20th century was the
American Century.  THis is why we have cars, personal
computers, and the atomic bomb.  They work and work in
pursuit of that American Dream.  My work week is theoretically
40 hrs, of course I end up working more.  In Canada, the same job
would be 37.5 hrs.  Not a big difference, but really it is the little
things at the end of the day.

Canadians...we are so laid back in comparison.  We're the old
hippies of North America.   Hawaiians of the North.   Really.
I notice it all the time.  You think people are in a hurry and work
hard in Toronto?  Phew!  You ain't seen nothing, baby.  It's
almost pathological down here.  No wonder Americans are
high-strung, on anti-depressants, and end up shooting each
other.  They've pushed themselves to the edge.   Their minds
are on fire with fear, work, and ego.   Working here
you begin to fall into the same patterns as them.  Everyone
else is working hard, so I must too.  

If not for a thousand other reasons, then this alone makes
me want to come home.   I don't want to work THAT hard.
I'm not THAT ambitous.  I want my little corner where I
can work and be done.  I don't need the fancy house, car, or
entertainment center....ok, maybe the enterainment center.

Fuck the American Dream and hand me a bowl ....

appendium to 'my life?'

You want to how bad it is?

I'm turning down 1st dates with women because
I have to work.

my life?

I know it seems like all I do is complain on this blog,
but this is an outlet.  I have nobody here to talk to,
nor time to call friends or family.  My father is very
ill and I can only call my parents once a week
because of how late I work, which tears at me.  I do
have plenty to write about here.  I want to update
with an account of my friend Melissa's trip to
Chicago, but I haven't had the time to compose
my thoughts.  I have movie reviews, but again
time is is the problem.  And I will write about
my recent trip to T.O. once I process it more.
But now I complain, so deal with it.

I spent most of my 20s buried in study with the
shadow of  a social life poking up on occasion.  
After grad school, I started to come out of my shell
and started to become a normal functioning adult.
The past 3 yrs in Toronto, I actually lived for once
in my life and felt like I actually belonged somewhere.

Now, here in Chicago,  it's all gone.  I'm working
longer hours than I ever have in my life.  Grad
school pales.  I have no social life with little
chance of respite.  I feel myself regressing.
I have no idea how long I can keep this pace up.
I dread waking each day.  This is no way for a
person to live.  I feel like my life is wasting
away and I'm helpless, completely helpless,
to stop it.  I envisoned more to my life than
this.  Now all I have is work with no change
from that in the immediate future.  Not very
hopefull, heh?  Such is my life....