un-determination

not feeling very confidant about being
able to do the job today....and its only
monday.
had a bag of chips and some crackers&sheese
and grapes for lunch. that's all i've eaten
today. i'll be here for a few more hours at
least. not time to go to the cafetaria. have
to get this treatment plan done tonight.

who am i fooling? i can't do this fuckin job.
i wasted saturday cause i came in today and it
wasn't good enough so now i've spent the entire
day on it to no avail.

death is too good for me and my foolishness....

determination

ok ok ok, i have to saty determined and
confidant that i can find something back
home.
i'm starting to get tired of living in
the big cities. as i get older, i like
the laid-backness of the smaller cities
more. oshawa or wahtver would be just
fine for now.
i have to remain confidant that i can do
this job and then find something back home.
i will do this. it's all i have anymre.

ergh

i know all that gets written here anymore is
my complaints and whining. wel, there's
absolutely nothing else going on in my life
to talk about. like i said: no friends,
no concerts, no books, etc. i've been to a
couple movies, i've bought some movies. i've
hung out with the occasional person. but nothing
interesting to speak of. and really, with no
support structure of any kind in this city,
this is my only outlet for my frustration
and depressions.

i've spent a long time trying to create some
sort of a normal life. in science, it's almost
expected that you will never have one. almost
a pre-requisite. i've spent a long time trying
to conquer my depression, build self-confidence,
and establish an identity that doesn't revolve
around what i do for a living. and i had the
beginnings of that in toronto. for once in my
life, i started to feel normal, like an actual
human being whose thoughts and feelings were
acknowledged and respected. i've spent my
entire life trying to get to that point.
never in grade school, high school, or
university or any point in between have i ever
had that. never.

in the 4 mths here, all of that hard work is
crumbling around me. the job is sucking any
soul i have and leaving a worthless shell of a
man behind. my self-confidence and self-esteem
have been tattered and torn into scraps of
their formal selves. i have zero life outside
of work. zero. nothing. nada. nil. i've
gotten to the point where i'm forgetting how to
interact and be social with people. i'm
starting to avoid people and social situations
again. i'm turning into the chris of old.
and i don't like that chris. i want that chris
to be dead and never to be dug up.

as my 30s are starting to recede behind me, i
know this is most definitely not how i want my
40s to be. but i feel trapped, unable to wrestle
any sort of life out of my time here. the
pressure at work, although not spoken in so
many words, is overhwhelming, so i work
harder and longer and seemingly never get any
further ahead. jobs in canada? maybe, but not
anytime soon, plus there are tons of people more
qualified than myself. i don't think i'll ever
be qualified enough.

if this is how it plays out for the rest of my
life, then i choose not to play. better to check
out sooner rather than later.....

today

it's saturday. i'm at work because i can't
get waht i needed to get done done. stuff
is due monday so i have no choice. it's not
like i haven't been working 10 to 11 hrs/day
as it is, but now i'm at work on saturdays too.
i fuckin hate my life so fuckin much i can't
describe it...
i have nothing in my life anymore except work.
no books, no concerts, no music, no cooking,
no hanging out, no dating. nothing.
is this really how things are going to be from
now on? if so, i don't want any part of it.
better to jump in front of a bus than waste my
life like this.
looking back, i never should have left nova
scotia or bridgetown.
what a fuckin waste....

sigh....

please ignore my bitterness....
i'm tired of complaining to everyone.
and my apologies for doing so. i just
need to vent sometimes and be heard.

again, sorry....

BIG FUCKIN' DEAL

nothing new has happened besides
work, alcohol consumption, and sleep.

i do not do anything anymore except
those 3 things. on the weekend, i'm
too confused and tired to try to find
anything interesting to do.
i am quickly approaching
my late 30s and all i have to show for
my life are my university degrees.
whoop-dee-fuckin-do.

note: high blood pressure, clinical
depression, no house, no car, plenty
of debt, no wife, no kids, no pets.

pathetic, isn't it? well, that's all
i have....time to just accept it, bury my
head and wait for the heart attack to
get it all over with.

the thing is, i'm not really depressed
like i would have been 5 yrs ago. now
i'm just angry and upset that i've wasted
so much time on such meaningless crap
like this so-called "education" and
"work". big fucking deal it all is.

listen, trust me on this, don't go to
grad school. learn a trade of some sort.
learn something that will give you the
free time to live your life and do things
besides work. don't rot your life away
from people and experiences and life. i
feel i have and i regret it so damn much.

live a life. don't work a life....

signed
Chris
(waiting for the heart attack)

mantra

if i survive my time here ...
i will walk through fire,
i will swallow glass,
i will follow hell....