ergh

i know all that gets written here anymore is
my complaints and whining. wel, there's
absolutely nothing else going on in my life
to talk about. like i said: no friends,
no concerts, no books, etc. i've been to a
couple movies, i've bought some movies. i've
hung out with the occasional person. but nothing
interesting to speak of. and really, with no
support structure of any kind in this city,
this is my only outlet for my frustration
and depressions.

i've spent a long time trying to create some
sort of a normal life. in science, it's almost
expected that you will never have one. almost
a pre-requisite. i've spent a long time trying
to conquer my depression, build self-confidence,
and establish an identity that doesn't revolve
around what i do for a living. and i had the
beginnings of that in toronto. for once in my
life, i started to feel normal, like an actual
human being whose thoughts and feelings were
acknowledged and respected. i've spent my
entire life trying to get to that point.
never in grade school, high school, or
university or any point in between have i ever
had that. never.

in the 4 mths here, all of that hard work is
crumbling around me. the job is sucking any
soul i have and leaving a worthless shell of a
man behind. my self-confidence and self-esteem
have been tattered and torn into scraps of
their formal selves. i have zero life outside
of work. zero. nothing. nada. nil. i've
gotten to the point where i'm forgetting how to
interact and be social with people. i'm
starting to avoid people and social situations
again. i'm turning into the chris of old.
and i don't like that chris. i want that chris
to be dead and never to be dug up.

as my 30s are starting to recede behind me, i
know this is most definitely not how i want my
40s to be. but i feel trapped, unable to wrestle
any sort of life out of my time here. the
pressure at work, although not spoken in so
many words, is overhwhelming, so i work
harder and longer and seemingly never get any
further ahead. jobs in canada? maybe, but not
anytime soon, plus there are tons of people more
qualified than myself. i don't think i'll ever
be qualified enough.

if this is how it plays out for the rest of my
life, then i choose not to play. better to check
out sooner rather than later.....