I miss:
Grossman's and walking in to see Sean and Ian at the
bar.
Open mic night at Ein-Stein with Josh doing his schtick
and all the musicians who show up.
The sight of the CN Tower no matter where I am
in the city.
The streetcars and their silent travel.
Kensington Market and Pedestrian Sundays and the
honest sense of community that is embodied there and
having to go from shop to shop to get all the ingredients
for cooking a meal.
The chaos of Chinatown.
Canada.
My friends.
For the first time in my life, I had a community of friends
around me that had made me feel like I belonged. A family.
The closest thing to an honest family with all the love and
acceptance that comes with that, outside of flesh-and-blood
family. I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I
felt at home, even more so than I think I ever felt in my
hometown. And what did I do? I gave it all up for ajob.
I feel like I betrayed them and myself. Reached in and
yanked the bloody heart out of my life and stomped on it.
I haven't felt like this since I left Nova Scotia back in '95.
Actually, this may feel worse.
I miss you guys so fucking much I can't express: Camille,
Joe & Louise & Jadylene, Agne & Tokai & Monir, Melissa,
Al, Mohammed, Sean, Ian, Carl, Enzo, Jon, and everybody
else who has crossed my path and made me feel like family.
I have to keep telling myself that I will be back to T.O.
someday. I want to live in Kensington Market and wake up
each morning to that place. Strolldown to Moonbean, grab
a fair-trade, organic coffee, and go to work knowing I'll be
coming home to wonderfull neighbourhood in the evening.
THenmaybe going and having wine and talk with Al or
Camille or ATM or maybe swinging by Grossman's for a
beer or 3 with Sean and Ian.
I know wouldn't have been happy living in Oshawa, that
I would have hadto buy a car, but Iwould have been
closer to all my friends. I wake up everyday wondering
if I made theright decision. Don't get me wrong: this
is a great city and all. But at my heart, I am Canadian
and I need that sense of the land that I always got no
matter where I was in Canada, that sense of space,
which is lost in the city, but still that knowledge of that it
is out there and, as a Canadian, that I'm part of it. Also,
myself, I need family. I'm always searching for family.
Trying to build family. My own family has always seemed
ghostlike and barely there, partly, I suppose, because I'm
adopted. I suppose then, that's why I'm always searching
and trying to build family: to replace a concept of a family
I never had.
with much love to my family, you know who you are,
have a beautiful sunday ....
4 comments:
stop making me cry. :)
i miss you too.
so, when can i visit you???????????? Anymore news about Mexico?
chris, you're making me cry too. al, mo and i got your phone call last nite but all of us were out. i was at the images festival watching russian movies. last nite was the first really lovely night here and everyone was out and about but we will call you to talk. we love you and really miss you too.
Chris,
you personally have a high value. You have things you are interested in and you will pursue them. You know what you want and you will work at achieving that. You will allow people into your life in Chicago, as you did in Toronto, and you will make their lives more interesting. Your value comes from within and is completely unaffected by what any one person might think of you. That sense of your own high value and your immunity to social pressure is fascinating and attracts people to you.
Honestly believe in your own value. Interview people, including potential dates, to see if they might be worth including in your precious time. However any interaction goes changes nothing about your own value. You are still on the same mission to achieve the things you want to do. You can make you life in Chicago or anywhere else however you want it, really.
Please read Tyler's blueprint and check out the videos from Juggler's TV show. You'll see how total dorks can achieve social success and you are starting way ahead of them. Just believe in yourself and don't be afraid to fail. It is a process like learning anything (guitar for example).
To me, "be yourself" means know yourself and what you want. Always have the confidence to follow your path. Enjoy interacting with people along the way but don't put any signifigance on any particular interaction.
I know you miss Toronto and your friends but they have their own journey. You would eventually have had to go different ways anyway. Make the time and place you are in right now as fantastic as you can by knowing what you want for your life and creating it wherever you are.
We'll see you in July.
David L
thanks for the advice, David. it's just really tough for me right now, is all ....i appreciate the advice and hope i can follow it...although, i don't have much confidence in myself right now ....
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