My social anxiety has increased over the past
few weeks. I get twitching and tentative in
public. I can't make eye contact anymore.
Being around other people makes me nervous.
I'm forgetting how to socialize with people.
I went to the pub last night for food and
couldn't wait to finish my food and get out
of there. I just didn't want to be around
people anymore.
I really don't want to be here anymore. If I
can't find a job back home soon, I think I'll
quit. Get rid of almost everything and move
back to Bridgetown. This science thing has
taken too big a toll on me. I'm burning out
and can't deal with it anymore.
I need friends and family in my life. I need
peace and quiet in my life. I need to do things.
I have NONE of that here in Chicago. Absolutely
none. I'm existing here and that's all. And
existing isn't enough.
I need to live. I need to have a life. I need
to laugh with friends and hug them. I need to
not wake up to honking horns and scrambling people.
I need to get out of here and get back home. Back
to civilization. Fuck this.
Nothing of what I wished for in moving here has
happened. I rarely go and check out live music
anymore. Being in bars is starting to annoy me,
plus I'm simply too worn out to go out. I haven't
been to any festivas, cause I'm too worn out from
work. Same with a dozen things I wanted to do and
experience.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on...
I really don't ....
3 comments:
Chris,
You will make it through this. Life is hard this is just one of those lessons. You took a chance and Chicago and this job at this hospital isn't for you. You said so yourself that you are not alone in work 60+ hours a week. It's the nature of that place and at least you see that now and are trying to change it by applying to jobs back home.
I'm not a health person or a science person nor did I go to University but does this, having work be your entire life, not come with the terrority? esp if this is the first non school credit job?
Im not as smart as you or your other friends and my marks werent good enough for university and i know i could never be a doctor because the stigma society gives this profession is that it is your life. You make the big bucks, have to be on call and are expected to drop everything for your job. Maybe society has it all wrong but would that not have crossed your mind at some point? That to do what you do you would have to give up a lot? That this isn't a 9-5 job and having friends and a family would always be second?
Maybe Canada spoiled you in thinking that you could have it all...
Come on Chris, I'm not a genius and I dont think it takes a phd to see that working crazy hours comes with your line of work. All the years in school is supposed to be paid off by the high salaries. Money is supposed to make up for the extra time.
If you are really unhappy, ask to take a week off - go to a doctor and get stress leave and go someplace by yourself and figure out your life. You said so yourself, if you leave this industry you can't go back. Don't give up on something that you spent your 20s and 30s working towards. Maybe things are different in the states. Think of all of the good things you have. You have family and friends who do care about you. So they aren't next door anymore. Everyone wants companionship but would you rather have fairweather friends (who come and go) or ones that are true and put up with you in your good times and bad times and doesnt run away?
Only you know your limit. Have you tried talking to someone there?
Tough advice, but you bite the bullet, you have to either live with your choice or change it.
Melissa
thanks, melissa.
one of the reasons i moved into this field was so i wouldn't have to work an insane amount and still make a great salary.
i talk to my friends back home and they do not work like this. it is where i am. so, i will work to change it and fidn something that will make me happy.
i choose to change it.
p.s.-you are smart. you're a very wise person and an old soul. maybe that dosen't mean a lot or make much sense, but really it does. i appreciate you and everything you say.
also, i don't want work to be my life...i know that...it shouldn't be...that's psychotic to believe it should be...so fuck it...
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